by Dan Abromowitz

The World Cup is nearing its end, leaving fans around the world waiting another four years for their next fix. Avoid withdrawal whiplash from the beautiful game and ease the transition with these hot tips, while you still have time:

  • Aversion therapy is powerful! For every goal you see, have a loved one tell you an aspect of your essential self that's always disgusted them.
  • Re-adopt the attitude of standoffish indifference towards soccer you carry year-round, and fake it 'til you feel it.
  • Imagine all the players in their underwear (for the purposes of this exercise, their underwear is leeches).
  • Go catch a screening of Deliver Us From Evil and let a pulse-pounding nightmare inspired by the actual accounts of an NYPD sergeant wash all that silly soccer stuff away.
  • Reflexively shout "Soccer? That's gay!!!" whenever you overhear conversation about it to create a sphere of silence around you.
  • Remind yourself of what it looks like when men touch balls by looking up videos of men touching balls. There are so many videos of men touching balls out there that you should have no trouble finding videos of men touching balls, if men touching balls is that which you desire!
  • Bury your favorite jersey in your lawn. Every day, dig it up and bury it a few feet further away. It won't make you feel better, and it'll tear the shit out of your lawn, and now I can't remember why that was supposed to work.
  • Cut down how much of each game you watch. The first game, watch half. The second, none. The third, bang the fridge door against your head so hard you forget the last full game you watched.
  • Cut out a little paper basketball and guide it around your screen wherever the soccer ball goes. Whisper "basketball" over and over so the illusion is complete.
  • Start reading the novels! Not only will you get to relive your favorite moments, you'll discover a wealth of worldbuilding details to answer a lot of your lingering questions.
  • Try playing soccer just once.
  • Eat the remains of Paul the psychic octopus to gain foreknowledge of the Cup's outcome. Great! Onto the next thing!
  • Accidentally shooting a little boy while watching soccer is a great way to get yourself to swear never to watch soccer again. Of course, you're free to break that promise when the chips are down.
  • Eat! A! Cleat! Eat! A! Cleat!
  • If all else fails, 72 hours in sensory deprivation should do you just fine.

(Dan Abromowitz doesn't know how to do anything. Follow him on Twitter.)