NEW SITE FEATURE! Steve Madonna Applies For Jobs
(You may remember Steve Madonna as the lovably disturbed fellow who was having trouble finding a job. We at someecards enjoyed reading Steve's job application so much that we've asked him to regularly apply to jobs as a new feature on our site. Steve will be checking these blog postings regularly to give feedback on whether he's heard back on his job applications, to answer any job hunting-related questions from you, and to respond to the many marriage proposals he's received already. So check back often, and enjoy!)
TIP #1: Show them the benefits of being insanely overqualified.
Many employers will post ads for jobs you most certainly can do, but they have a specific set of requirements. In this case, they require you to be younger than the age of consent (in most states). Oh damn, better go to the next job. NO, you sad sack of shit! You tell them why you are superior than your opposition and fly like the phoenix of productivity. I applied to this position to show you how to handle a prospective employer with stupid qualifications:
JOB: FILING CLERK (EVERGREEN PARK)
Part Time job for high school students to do sorting, filing, making charts and packets etc. Training will be provided. Student should be eligible to work.
Hello prospective employer! The search has ended. May your river of tears run dry. I saw the title and knew it was the job for me because I'm a fan of gratuitous capitalization. Fortunately, I am not a high school student. I graduated and that makes me smarter than every high school student in the world (Asia doesn't count). A diploma is what matters, and I have one. They do not. Why are you so adamant that this clerk of files be a student? Are you a pervert? Just for the record, I do not have a problem working with a pervert as I have served under many.
Be assured File Master that no file will go unclerked with me around. Drug money receipts? SORTED! List of affairs? FILED! Need visual representation of how many people Googled you monthly over a year? You can GUARANTEE there will be a fucking chart made (and that one won't take long). Hiring me will be the best decision of your life, much better than your marriage (marriage right? *flush*). Training will not be needed as I won the file-offs in 2007. A resume is also unnecessary as my trophy proves I could out-file the multiple-limbed gentleman from Mortal Combat (plus, he frightens clients, don't hire him). Training should be provided to all other staff, however, to stay the hell out of my way.
Then I read that you express concern if these Twihards are even eligible to work! Why take the chance! They text. They chew gum. They have premarital sex. They're MONSTERS! Annoying monsters. What if you accidentally hire a teen from Team Edward, then accidentally hire one from the bestiality side of their deranged vampire love world, Team Jacob. That's like hiring a Blood and a Crip! They'll claw and bite one another until it's too sexy to watch, and you have to look away because they're only in high school (YouTube, however, is still an option).
You are asking for a hormone-driven war zone. There will be more feelings hurt than when the inevitable happens, and they stop ending new genres of music with "-core". Crapcore should cover them all (just one more). Do you wanna be responsible for this? Think about it, then think about it again. Go to the Teen Choice Awards website and look at the winners. That's what high school students see the world as, and when the world they live in isn't as good as that, they turn into an emotional bag of failed genetics and make premarital sex a fad like crazy bones and razor scooters.
Choose your destiny.
Make it a correct one.