5. The current terror roster of the club called Al Qaeda. August is supposed to be our dull, sleepy time, you guys. Everyone's bored, sweaty, and pissed that we used up all our vacation days on destination weddings. Thanks to you we have to be bored, sweaty, and plagued by the nagging sensation that death might be waiting for us the next time our train pulls through a tunnel. Just let us nap through our summer Fridays in peace. Make your terror threats in the fall when we're working hard again and might welcome a building evacuation or two.

 

4. This author of self-help books who murdered his wife and posted the photo on Facebook. Wish I could say that I'm shocked, but nope. Wouldn't even be surprised if the murderer asked his arresting officer how many likes he got before they shut down his account. This guy even wrote self-help books, including a book on marital communication. Writing self-help books was going to be my plan C (or D?) for making enough money to stay sheltered until I die. How are people supposed to put faith in me telling them how to visualize their most excellent expression of selfness if they have to worry I'm going to one day ask them to click like on my murder trial evidence? We can't all try to write Fifty Shades Of Grey ripoffs!

 

3. Virgin Atlantic for their plan to launch live comedy shows on their flights. Hooray, the horror of going to a comedy club meets the drudgery of taking a commercial flight. The two least enjoyable experiences in the world have been combined, making them easier to avoid. If you've ever been to a comedy club, it already feels like you're in a mid-air flight in the way they make it next to impossible to leave until they want you to. One club used to make me wait to get a ticket to leave even after I'd paid the bill, just to prevent the entire audience from getting up and running for it mid-show. Now they've made it so that you can only walk out under penalty of death. I'm flying Delta.

 

2. White people who think they're so awesome that other races are just sitting around waiting to be befriended by them. This poll was released that says 40 percent of white people only have white friends, which will inevitably result in articles asking why more white people haven't benevolently bestowed their oh-so-valuable friendship upon other races. The white race is the only one to assume that everyone is panting to be friends with it. If the friends you have are the same race as you, maybe your race is the only one that can stand you. I am friends with and related to many whites, and the fact that they have any friends at all, white or black, is kind of a shock. Incidentally, the study says younger white folks have more integrated friendships than older white folks, so it's just the older whites that other races must find it tough to be around.

 

1. Cable companies and television networks that expect me to get in the middle of their bullshit money negotiations. Not sure if this is happening everywhere, but here in New York we can't watch CBS right now (Under The Dome was going downhill fast anyway). Instead we're being inundated with screens like this one and public service ads on the radio imploring us to pick sides between the cable company (a corporation that every living being would like to burn to the ground) and a giant media conglomerate (poor you!) as they squabble over how many hundreds of millions they're going to make this year. I'm not getting in the middle of this. You're not my parents making me choose who gets custiody. You'll both be extinct in a couple years when everything goes online anyway so just relax and enjoy the ride into oblivion.

(by Bob Powers