5. Critics who insist on not giving Pacific Rim unqualified rave reviews. Look, we need this thing! Iron Man 3 was eh. We couldn't even bring ourselves to see Man Of Steel. Before Midnight was the best movie of the year, but that's irrelevant. We want a good summer movie, and the one where giant robots beat up giant monsters is probably our best bet. You critics who insist on giving it mixed reviews are clearly just trying to hurt people by casting doubt on their hopes for happiness. Knock it off!
4. Ryan Gosling for making us feel like we have to give up pork if we want Ryan Gosling to like us. We tend to make decisions in our life according to a simple code: "If Ryan Gosling knew I did this, would he not want to be my best friend?" In light of his essay published yesterday on the inhumane treatment of pregnant mother pigs, we're pretty sure we have to either give up pork, or at the very least pay attention to where our pork is coming from. Unless we just want to give up the dream of one day sitting around on a porch with Ryan Gosling talking about how great motorcycles are when we're not both squinting enigmatically. It's a lot to mull over.
3. Whoever decided it was a good idea to vet incoming undergraduates by asking them to expound on the meaning of #YOLO. Tufts University charges $56,546 per year for tuition, room and board. Just to get the opportunity to pay over $200 grand for a college diploma from their fine institution, they ask aspiring applicants to write an essay on a term that makes most people instantly unfriend anyone who includes it in their Facebook status updates. Not even a term, a fucking hashtag! It's official: College is a scam. These institutions have no intention of turning your brats into contributing members of society. Send your kids to trade schools and let them end up with actual jobs.
2. Ra, the Ancient Egyptian Sun God. No, we're not sure if he was just supposed to represent the sun or if he actually had the power to turn the heat up and down like a thermostat, but we have to blame somebody for this ball-sack-baking heat. Our weatherman filed a restraining order so we can't send any more letters. So we're blaming Ra. Seriously, fuck this ancient deity!
1. Our friends for making us go out and be social last night instead of staying home and watching a guy chainsaw his way out of the stomach of a shark. Good friends are temporary. Bad television is forever.