Upworthy is the worst site on the Internet, that's been resolved. Their mission statement is smug, backpatting, faux-activist horseshit. Their headlines are the purest, crack-cocaine of clickbait. And when you do click, the content they've dredged up from YouTube never, ever pays off. To keep you from experiencing that disappointed, "Ew, I just clicked on an Upworthy link" feeling, we clicked on five of the links your Facebook friends will be gullibly sharing this week so you don't have to. Spoilers for each headline below.

Spoiler: It's a video of a little girl giving a speech. She's one of those precocious Dakota Fanning type girls who makes you feel like your public school wasn't that good. The headline makes it sound like you'll see a little girl ask a stodgy old Senator a question that completely leaves him "pwned" and everyone applauds because from the mouths of babes and whatnot. Nope! There's not even a Senator in the video. A little girl gives a speech about voting. That's it.

 

Spoiler: It doesn't show how dignity and respect can change a man at all. It shows how a fancy haircut and an expensive suit can make someone look nice. At the start he looks ratty, and it says he's struggled with homelessness and alcoholism. They make him look like a GQ model and at the end a title-card says he's scheduled to get housing and went to some AA meetings. The video doesn't indicate whether there's going to be an investigation into the housing assistance agency that only gives housing to vets who look like they could be on the cover of a magazine. The whole thing will make you feel uncomfortable because it's essentially Homeless Veteran Makeover, the new show on E!

 

Spoiler: No one would. It's not. He uses slam poetry speak to say we're all kind of small in the scheme of things. Also, he has a British accent, so he sounds smarter than he is.

 

Spoiler: The guy the headline's talking about is the director of the Miss Venezuela pageant, who says that "inner beauty" is something unattractive women invented to make themselves feel better. Yeah, he's a dick. He's also in only about 2% of the video. It's a New York Times story called "Inflated Beauty In Venezuela" about that industry that's blown up around Venezuelans chasing after an unrealistic, voluptuous standard of beauty. It's a good video that has a lot more going on in it than some guy you can hate for laughing. You can watch it on YouTube here.

 

Spoiler: It's a weird Japanese video advertising a shield women can hide their mouths behind while they eat giant burgers. Because in Japan it's considered unseemly for women to open their mouths real big. It's pretty funny. You should laugh.

(by Bob Powers)

Sources: All screencaps taken from Upworthy dot com.