Aww, I'd adopt him.
29-year-old Johnnie Fletcher Gooden, Jr. walked into a Chase Bank in Bryan, Texas, claiming to be the adopted son of Michelle Obama and asking for access to her bank account. Unfortunately for him, the Obamas don't have an account at Chase Bank in Bryan, Texas (I assume they're shoebox-under-the-bed people), nor do they have an adopted 29-year-old son, as everyone in the country knows because they're the most famous people in America. Next time you want to pretend to be a wealthy couple's adopted son, pick someone no one's ever heard of. Also, be under the age of 18.
When police arrived on the scene, Gooden at first stuck to his story, claiming Mrs. Obama contacted him on Facebook and wanted to adopt him. While the First Lady does try to keep busy, something about this clearly fabricated story didn't ring true with the officer, who then found some pot in Gooden's shorts and arrested him (he also had some outstanding warrants).
Malia and Sasha were not available for comment, but I'm assuming they'd be polite about it because they're nice girls.
(by Shira Rachel Danan)