Death didn't exist until Eve's stupid husband went off-diet. The idea that anything died
before then is stupid, and you're stupid for thinking that.

Last night saw a live, You-Tube-streamed debate between Bill Nye the Science Guy (TV host, president of the Planetary Society, and popular Internet person) and Ken Ham (no relation to Ham Rove), the CEO of "Answers In Genesis," who actually describes himself as a creation apologist. The event was held at the Creation Museum in Petersburg, KY.


It's pretty long, and is half science and half even-more-boring-not-science. Just sayin'.

As the Daily Dot also points out, the highlight of Mr. Ham's talks were his cartoonish, morbid, kind-of-terrifying slides. Before we go on to mock those slides, though, we should point out that Creationists are just one (very bitter) flavor of Christianity, and that to attack one is not to attack the other. 


It usually says "The Bible" on the side... this is already not going well. 

Ham was polite, had a charming Australian accent, and he delivered a PowerPoint presentation that looked like a parody of creationist teachings, except that it's hard to parody creationist teachings because parodies are virtually indistinguishable from the real thing. Let's not make fun of them as if they have no influence, however, because they are spreading that influence every day in public and charter schools:


It's almost like different environments are favoring different species of schools... (via)

If you think the earth is 6,000 (or any number less than ten digits) years old, you're not going to enjoy this post. If I've learned one thing about conservatives, though, it's that they don't like political correctness. So don't worry, I won't sit here and pretend to think your viewpoint is valid just to be PC. I'm not attacking Christians. Heck, even Pope John Paul II personally affirmed the Catholic Church's belief in the Big Bang. So, let's look at this Creationist clip-art and try to appreciate them for their horrifying beauty without blaming all religious people for them:


Ah yes, the old secular "mystery marriage." 

1. Evolution is wrong because it will ruin our morals. Let's just leave aside the fact that even by creationist standards, this has nothing to do with facts, evidence, science, measurements, or even evolution in particular. This just says that as far as creationists are concerned, if God (or whatever) set up a universe of natural laws that resulted in humans, rather than creating them from whole cloth, they cannot imagine a reason not to slaughter their children or the elderly, have sex they don't want to have, or commit genocide. The Bible is the only thing standing between them and the orgiastic slaughter of everything on Earth, and that should scare you.
 


If only we weren't required by law to obey a 1914 biology book.

2. Evolution is wrong because we would have no choice but to be Nazis if we embraced it. Yes, actually, we do. It really sucks that a lot of the first people who wrote about evolution were racist, and that it filtered into their writings and sparked horrific psuedo-science movements like eugenics and social darwinism. You know who else was racist? Almost everyone all the time ever. It's an evolutionary trait that aids group cohesion, but whatever. Point being: you can believe evolution is real and still believe humans are one species. Well, creationists can't, because apparently they can only take it on faith that people who have higher levels of melanin in their skin cells are genetically similar to them. So they believe in this:


Look at the monkey they drew. Every animal in the science version looks stupid on purpose.


Eve is looking pretty happy for a lady who literally brought death into the world.

But apparently, If they ever doubted their faith, Creationists would have no reason to believe that non-whites, despite having the same anatomy and genes, were actually human. So they would become really racist shortly before slaughtering all of them in a horny bloodbath (see point 1).
 


That blue line in the "orchard" trees is The Flood, which was way cooler than a meteor.

3. We do believe in evolution. We just believe a really ludicrous version of it. Yeah.... so you know what would happen if you zoomed in on any of the branches in the regular evolutionary tree? They would look like the creationist "orchard." This is just insisting that there were a fixed number of unrelated prototypes 6,000 years ago. Those can evolve, apparently. It's just that evolution previously can't be possible because it ain't in the Book.
 


Whoah, 69 whole feet down?! There's no way it might have been exposed 45,000 years ago!

4. This effing thing. Someone found 45,000-year-old wood in 45 million-year-old layer of basalt. Nye dismissed this by saying the basalt (an igneous rock) must have "slid over" the wood and picked it up on the way. What would have been a better note to close out on, though, is the fact that this entire story is creationist b.s. made up by a guy who locked the evidence away and won't let anyone else examine it.
 


I choose to think of this as a fun PSA: "A lot of beings died to make humans. Don't dishonor
their sacrifice by forgetting to wash the pesticides from your apples before you eat them!"

Sources: The Daily Dot | Answers in Genesis