RULE #10: Learn that scars are cool, and that your bully is helping you get cooler. (via Jezebel)

The Lincoln Public Schools system is cowering in a corner and apologizing today after an onslaught of outrage from parents who were rightly ticked off about a ludicrous anti-bullying flier that basically recommends closing your eyes and going to a happy place (don't get me wrong: going to a happy place is usually a great idea). The fliers were sent home with fifth graders from Zeman Elementary in Lincoln, Nebraska to be shown to their parents.

Let's be honest, these two news anchors terrorized some dweebs in their day.

Every single detail of it is better—and by better I mean worse—than the last. The objective of the flier is to make kids better at "turning bullies into buddies." What follows reads like any abuser's personal wishlist of victim traits.

1. Refuse to get mad. "Anger is a feeling we have toward our enemies, not our buddies." "...if a bully finds out he/she can get you angry, you become their puppet..."

2. Treat the person who is being mean as if they are trying to help you. "No matter how insulting or mean they may sound, be grateful and think they really care about you." Hey dork, at least the cool kids are paying attention to you!

3. Do not be afraid. "If you are afraid...you automatically lose."

4. Do not verbally defend youself. "...the defender is automatically the loser. If we defend, we lose."

5. Do not attack. "It takes two people to fight, so it's the person who retaliates or responds who actually starts the fight."

6. If someone physically hurts you, just show that you are hurt; do not get angry. Did all the kids in town get exposed to gamma rays and there's a bunch of little Hulks running around? "If you get angry, they won't feel sorry."

7. Do not tell on bullies. "The number one reason bullies hate their victims is because their victims tell on them. Telling makes the bully want to retaliate." Ughhh.

8. Don't be a sore loser. "Lose gracefully and be a good sport; kids will like you better." Yeah, everyone hates the kid who cries about losing the don't-get-punched-in-the-face contest.

9. Learn to laugh at yourself and not get "hooked" by put-downs. "Make a joke out of it or agree with the put-down. For example: "If you think I'm ugly, you should see my sister!" Well, at least this damaged group of 10-11 year olds will one day produce a lot of quality Catskills comedians.

Lincoln Public Schools have predictably claimed that it was a mistake and that the flier was never meant to be sent home to parents. Was it just hanging around because the teachers found it so hilarious? The school principal made an equally predictable Facebook apology, followed by the hurricane of even more predictably angry comments. 

They did, eventually, link to a better anti-bullying handout.

Let's go make fun of that principal until he cries. After all, we only do it because we're buddies.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Sources: Jezebel | 10 11 Now