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  • 13 ridiculous dating tips for ladies from the year 1938.

    posted 04/21/2014

    Likewise, drinking may make some boys seem sullen, but most just get angry. (VIa)

    Based on this digitally preserved dating guide, apparently from the year 1938, women looking for love pre-Pearl Harbor were drunk lushes who were prone to getting dressed in front of their date, crying at the table, and grabbing at the rear view mirror to put on makeup even while "Man" is driving.

  • 26 ways to make your final weeks of college count.

    posted 04/21/2014

    by Dan Abromowitz

    All too soon, you'll be handed a diploma and told to hit the highway, but for now, you are young, beautiful, and undergraduate. Here's how to milk those last golden drops from the teat of your alma mater:

    1. Carve your initials into your department chair.

    2. Apologize to your freshman year roommate for trying so hard to be yourself.

    3. Read your last ever book.

    4. Remember how you were going to befriend your dorm custodian and learn all about his unique perspective on the school? It's not too late, or at least it wouldn't be if he hadn't been fired for trying to unionize.

  • Llama joyously leaping to DMX will make you lose your mind.

    posted 04/21/2014

    Pictured: The Llama. Not pictured: Its mind.

    It's Monday. Day after the barely-a-holiday that is Easter. Mondays after a not-really holiday weekend can be just as bad, if not worse than the Tuesday after a three-day weekend. Ease the pain. Here's a llama leaping with abandon to DMX's "Up In Here." 

    (Click upper left corner for sound)

    (by Bob Powers)

    [ Via Vine, H/T BuzzFeed ]
  • Heroic little girl crawls into claw machine at arcade and starts giving out free toys.

    posted 04/21/2014

    The tyranny of the claw will rule us no longer.

    Some children show up at an arcade just to play games. Others show up to win. The girl pictured at this South Florida arcade falls into the latter.

  • A lot of folks are saying the Loch Ness Monster turned up in satellite imagery from Apple Maps.

    posted 04/20/2014

    Yeah, that's a boat wake. Unless those are the front and rear paddles of a plesiosaur!
    They're not, though. It's a boat wake (according to me).

    Someone may have just spotted the Loch Ness Monster, and all it took Apple Maps to find it. Yes, that's right, the same Apple Maps who gave us these mind-bending geographic glitches that resulted in landscapes bending like Paris in Inception. Small submarines haven't been able to find it (although they heard something close on radar, and maybe they saw a fin!), hydrophones haven't been able to detect it (except for possible clicking noises like a dolphin and a swishing noise like large fins being paddled!), 1500 years of looking straight at the water have proved inconclusive, and even its Wikipedia page is a morass of dubious citations or entries with no citations at all.

    As you can see, this animal twice the size of the house in the bottom right had no problem
    staying hidden for thousands of years.

    But guys, that's totally, definitely the Loch Ness Monster. Look at those paddles! That huge (roughly 100-ft long) body! What else could it be, besides the image of a wake left by a boat that was slightly out of the camera's view (satellites take pictures as they move) at the time it was taken? 

    Eh, that seems unlikely. It's probably a cold-blooded, air-breathing marine reptile from a genus whose last known fossil dates to 66 million years ago that somehow moved from a saltwater ocean from a much warmer period of Earth's history into a freshwater lake that only formed 10,000 years ago after the last Ice Age. A lake that is, by all measurements, too cold for reptiles and too small to support a breeding population of large predators, let alone ones who come up to the surface to breathe without being spotted.

    We did it, you guys.

    (by Johnny McNulty)

  • Gwyneth Paltrow, and a bunch of famous ladies who can stand to be near her, squeeze together for a selfie.

    posted 04/19/2014

    Her patented "It's okay to envy me" smirk. (via Getty)

    Gwyneth Paltrow invited a horde of moderately famous blondes (and a couple brown-hairs because all are welcome in the Goop) to consciously couple for a Girls Night selfie. Behold.

  • This nice little piggy just wants a teensy bite of your salad, please.

    posted 04/18/2014

    You're lucky it's Good Friday and not Easter, hammy. Also that your owner
    is probably a vegan. 
    (via Michelle Stratham)

    Meet Albert, a wee piggie who just wants to nom on your salad. Just a little bit. Well, he is a pig, so I guess given the chance, he'd probably wolf it down, but he's well-mannered enough to know it's not his right now. This video was posted by Fleetwood, UK resident and very proud vegan Michelle Statham, although the pig is not hers (he is her Facebook profile photo, though). It is from August, but is making the rounds again today, probably to make us all feel a little bad during peak glazed-ham time on Easter Sunday. Just a little bit.

    I've had girlfriends and siblings and frankly all types of people be less polite than this.

    (by Johnny McNulty)

  • The citizens of Ypsilanti, MI are banding together to catch the man who poops on their playgrounds.

    posted 04/18/2014

    Where do we report for our T-Shirts? (via @michiganprobz)

    It's been a while since society had a criminal with a really fun nickname, but now we have the Ypsilanti Pooper. It has just been announced that the police do have a person of interest for the crimes, but all that is known for sure is that for the past six months, someone has been pooping on the Prospect Park playground in Ypsilanti, Michigan. It should be noted that Ypsilanti is the home of Eastern Michigan University, where there are 20,000+ college kids. And although they were exceedingly nice (this is the Midwest, after all) when I did a show there once, there is at least one kid there who could be a suspect for random acts of defecation. Sorry, college kids.

    I'm sure a billboard about 3rd-world hunger would get the same attention.

    The billboard itself is owned in part by Adams Outdoor Advertising, and it was inspired by an employee at their Ann Arbor branch, about 6 miles from Ypsilanti, but the town has been consumed by the noxious nocturnal ne'er-do-well since his or her reign of fecal terror began. The impromptu PSA was not in coordination with (and apparently not to the amusement of) the local police. "We're not authorizing it and we don't need it," said City Manager Ralph Lange in an interview with MLIVE. The Pooper PSAs run in between other paid ads. "Our art guy had a lot of fun. He came up with a few designs," Todd Williams, manager of Adams Outdoor Advertising's Ann Arbor branch told The Daily Dot, "and I rejected a few." If you'd like to send those to us, we'd love to see them.

    (by Johnny McNulty)

  • This kid eloquently expresses his hatred for poetry through the magic of verse.

    posted 04/18/2014

    A verse to poetics.

    A fifth-grade student named Panajotis was forced to write a poem as an assignment. The problem is that Panajotis hates poetry! Obviously! I mean, who doesn't? Poetry is like... some kind of... bad thing... that's... really stupid... or something. Look, you get my point. I'm not very good at expressing myself through clever turns of phrase and evocative imagery. Unlike Panajotis, who it seems is quite good at it. As is plainly obvious from the anti-poetry poem he turned he turned in:

    I hate poetry!

    Poetry looks like a demon rising.

    I don’t want to do this.

    Poetry sounds like nails on a chalkboard.

    I still don’t want to do this.

    Poetry smells like skunk spray times ∞ [infinity].

    I still don't want to do this.

    Poetry tastes like rotten eggs with human brains.

    I will never do this again.

    Poetry feels like being frozen by a freeze ray.

    Doesn't everybody hate poetry?

    A demon rising? Skunk spray times infinity? Rotten eggs with human brains? This kid is simultaneously doing the best and worst job ever at making his case against poetry.

    (by Dennis DiClaudio)

  • "Muppet Christ Superstar" has arrived just in time for 420 Easter.

    posted 04/18/2014

    It's not easy being Christ.

    The most surprising thing about Muppet Christ Superstar is that it took over 40 years for someone to think of it. Or at least someone that doesn't dwell on things like angry lawyers and copyright infringement. Regardless, that person is 20-year-old Canadian musician Christo Graham, who recorded the project over the course of a few nights in his bedroom, using karaoke tracks for the music and voicing all the characters himself, including Kermit as Jesus, Gonzo as Judas, and Miss Piggy as Mary Magdalene.

    [ Via Slate ]