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  • This girl should have paid more attention to the reflection in her sunglasses before posting online.

    posted 04/11/2014

    "I need to commemorate this shopping experience for all time."

    There's a theory that we actually look our best when we feel our best. And we feel our best when we're doing the things that we love. The things that make us feel most alive. That's why people always tend to look their best in photographs when they're laughing with friends or smiling with their family, hiking through the mountains or chilling at the beach.

    So, this young woman was probably thinking something like, "Nothing feels better than getting a great deal on a plus-sized latex phallus. I should snap a quick selfie and post it to Twitter." I totally get it.

    Sadly, she's far from the first to not check the details of her photo before posting online.

    (by Dennis DiClaudio)

  • More names have been revealed on Lindsay Lohan's celebrity sex list.

    posted 03/19/2014

    "Wait, there's like a dozen people I'm forgetting."

    Forget Lindsay, which all but a few of you, including Oprah, already have, because with the slow trickle of her past sexual partners being named in the last two issues, In Touch magazine may have inadvertently pitched a Lindsay Lohan reality show worth watching. It would be like The Bachelorette in reverse - instead of a bunch of guys competing for a chance to hook up with the star of the show, at the end of each week's episode, Lindsay reveals the name of another famous person she's already nailed. Kind of like a paparazzo did recently with Zac Efron, except with a dramatic half-hour build-up and better music.

    Would that show be crappy and offensive? You bet. But it would be more entertaining and no more offensive than the current show chronicling Lindsay's ongoing struggle to not be part of a television show. With today's release of twelve more names (including big-timers like Ashton Kutcher, Ryan Phillippe and Benicio del Toro), that leaves only six dudes left sweating it out while planning a romantic getaway to Senegal and praying that Lindsay has forgotten about their hookup.

    "Guy Berryman, come on down!"

    Oprah should just pay In Touch to keep quiet, have Lindsay shoot the dramatic reveals of the last six names and TADA! Hit show. You've got to figure that they're saving a few A-list names for the big finish. The list is all over the place so it's anyone's guess at this point. Who could it be? DiCaprio? John Mayer? Bill Clinton?

    Tune in to next week's Name Drop and find out!

    (by Jonathan Corbett)

  • Little girl has best possible answer to mom asking her what she wants to be when she grows up.

    posted yesterday

    Ava has never considered all the baked goods she could be before.

    Little Ava is something of a Vine star. She's blunt, adorable, and not afraid to mug for the camera (in fact, with all the Vines of her cute little face out there, you start to wonder if her mom might be trying to launch a career outside the Internet). She also has a wisdom beyond her years. For example, even though Ava's only three, she's already identified the best job in the world. Think of all that frosting!

    (by Shira Rachel Danan)

  • Is this the most horrifying Easter Bunny costume in history?

    posted yesterday

    MMMmmm you children look like tasty little pink carrots.

    Why can't we go back to a simpler time in America, when holidays were focused on Jesus and kids knew that if you sinned the Easter Bunny would take your soul and store it in a colorful egg for his collection? 

    We thought we had harvested the Internet's entire supply of creepy anthropomorphic rabbits with our list of 27 of the most terrifying Easter Bunnies to ever make a small child cry, but once again the odd denizens of reddit proved us wrong.

    (by Johnny McNulty)

  • This kid eloquently expresses his hatred for poetry through the magic of verse.

    posted yesterday

    A verse to poetics.

    A fifth-grade student named Panajotis was forced to write a poem as an assignment. The problem is that Panajotis hates poetry! Obviously! I mean, who doesn't? Poetry is like... some kind of... bad thing... that's... really stupid... or something. Look, you get my point. I'm not very good at expressing myself through clever turns of phrase and evocative imagery. Unlike Panajotis, who it seems is quite good at it. As is plainly obvious from the anti-poetry poem he turned he turned in:

    I hate poetry!

    Poetry looks like a demon rising.

    I don’t want to do this.

    Poetry sounds like nails on a chalkboard.

    I still don’t want to do this.

    Poetry smells like skunk spray times ∞ [infinity].

    I still don't want to do this.

    Poetry tastes like rotten eggs with human brains.

    I will never do this again.

    Poetry feels like being frozen by a freeze ray.

    Doesn't everybody hate poetry?

    A demon rising? Skunk spray times infinity? Rotten eggs with human brains? This kid is simultaneously doing the best and worst job ever at making his case against poetry.

    (by Dennis DiClaudio)

  • An idiot turned 18 last year and got this tattoo.

    posted 04/11/2014

    There's an old saying that people get the face they deserve at age 50. 
    Way to get there 
    in record time, kid, and getting a chest to match. (via)

    If the children are our future, we are screwed. This...person...who is apparently Facebook friends with redditor dewbear, is very proud of having been born in 1995. Of course, why wouldn't you be super proud of having been born during a momentous year that is best remembered for the dawn of AOL and Netscape, and, uh, oh yeah—a nerve gas attack on the Tokyo subway? I mean, all anyone has been able to talk about for years was how great 1995 was. 

    Or maybe he's just a big fan of old buildings and businesses, and he hopes that when he's over 80 years old or so, it'll start looking really impressive. Has anyone explained to him that he can just get the tattoo then, and skip the part where it makes the business look like it's trying too hard and just emphasizes how young it is?

    I mean, has anyone ever given this kid any kind of advice on anything? Has he even checked out our list of amazingly clever tattoos (that we're still glad we don't have)?

    In conclusion, this kid sucks, and 1985 rocks. 

    (by Johnny McNulty)

  • Somebody leaked unretouched photos of Lady Gaga in which she looks like a normal boring human.

    posted 04/16/2014

    "Make me look like a catatonic replicant."

    Lady Gaga has a reputation to keep up. She may be a talented, boundary-pushing musician, but it's really her style that defines her in the public eye. She understands better than anybody that if people start seeing her walking around in dresses not made out of meat, or traveling by taxi instead of by giant translucent egg, then her mystique of grotesque elegance will sublimate away and she'll look less like the Queen of All Monsters than a privileged Italian princess from the Upper West Side.

    So, I'm sure that when she signed on for an ad campaign for Versace last year, she specifically told the photography team something like, "Make me look like a deceased mannequin. No, not like an non-living mannequin. Like a mannequin that was brought to life but then died from erotic asphyxiation." You can see their handiwork in the picture up top. Nice work, actually. You can almost see the rigor mortis setting in.

    That's why these newly leaked unretouched outtakes from that photoshoot—in which she looks like a normal, living human being who eats food and doesn't sleep in a tube of electrified ooze—have got to be pissing her off. She's probably all, like, "Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-aaaaahhhhh!!!"

  • "Muppet Christ Superstar" has arrived just in time for 420 Easter.

    posted yesterday

    It's not easy being Christ.

    The most surprising thing about Muppet Christ Superstar is that it took over 40 years for someone to think of it. Or at least someone that doesn't dwell on things like angry lawyers and copyright infringement. Regardless, that person is 20-year-old Canadian musician Christo Graham, who recorded the project over the course of a few nights in his bedroom, using karaoke tracks for the music and voicing all the characters himself, including Kermit as Jesus, Gonzo as Judas, and Miss Piggy as Mary Magdalene.

    [ Via Slate ]
  • If Game of Thrones took place entirely on Facebook - Season 4, Episode 2.

    posted 04/15/2014

  • More of the greatest inappropriate test answers from young children.

    posted 12/28/2012

    Maybe these kids will look back on this and laugh once they're old enough to realize what the hell they were saying. Some of them seem brutally honest, while others just appear to have a tenuous grasp of the English language. Obviously, the latter half are our future politicians.