The most pitiful news story of the last 91 years.
Poor Alf. This horrifying realization has ushered in the darkest period of his life since that furry, penis-nosed alien stole his name in the '80s. There's no telling how he missed the prominently placed dog symbol on the front of the box, unless he just assumed his mail carrier was a greyhound with a satchel. On the bright side, a box of dog shit is pretty much exactly as dependable as the U.S. Postal Service.
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