25 people who had a worse 2011 than you.
25. Prosecutors of semi-attractive murderers: As if bars needed more 6’s hanging around desperately at closing time, this year prosecutors in the Casey Anthony and Amanda Knox trials failed to convict the two obviously guilty, and we guess “kind of OK looking” women. Worse still for the prosecutors, they’ll probably never even get a chance to regret banging one of them come morning.
24. Apple customers: Founder and on-again/off-again Apple CEO Steve Jobs died on October 5, prompting millions of customers with a close personal connection to the head of the mega corporation to send very original “i-[Insert Adjective Meaning Sadness]” tweets and Facebook updates from the very devices Jobs was famous for inventing and price gauging.
23. Rick Perry: Texas governor Rick Perry bravely overcame an obvious mental disability to briefly become the GOP front-runner this year. Unfortunately, a series of gaffes too innumerable to count — even for people who aren’t Rick Perry — made short order of his plans to replace the president he affectionately named a hunting lodge after.
22. Harold Camping: Seeing as his idea of a good year would have meant the end of the world, we take immense joy in knowing that Family Radio founder Harold Camping failed in predicting the May 21 rapture, the October 21 rapture and exactly how many jelly beans were in that jar.
21. UC Davis Pepper Spray Cop: On November 17, a group of slack-jawed students at UC Davis surrounded campus police Lt. John Pike in a bar and took turns raping him on top of a pinball machine. Luckily for Pike, he remembered the pepper spray technique he had learned in his women’s self-defense class and was able to use it to ward off his many attackers. Sadly though, by the time he summoned the courage to fight back the damage had already been done.
20. Professor Who Got Fired Because of James Franco: NYU professor Jose Santana claimed he was fired this year after giving a D to actor James Franco — who many will remember as “Bar Guy #1” in 2006’s The Wicker Man and “that dude who does everything, up to and including dissolving someone’s tenure.”
19. Guy Who Ate Cocaine Out of His Brother’s Ass and Died: It may seem cool when celebrities do it in movies or on commercials, but what “Big Ass-Cocaine” isn’t telling you is that eating cocaine out of an ass can KILL— even if it’s your brother’s ass. So kids, please keep this in mind next time you feel peer pressured into skipping school to munch down on some butt blow.
18. Muammar Gaddafi: After 40 years of ruling Libya dressed like Eddie Murphy in Coming To America, Muammar Qaddafi’s dictatorship ended in October when Libyan protestors peacefully dragged the dictator out into the street and killed him. Adding insult to injury, we can almost be certain they spelled his name wrong on his tombstone.
17. Lindsay Lohan: When taking off your clothes for money is the best thing that’s happened to you all year, chances are you’re not having a great one. And 2011 was especially hard for Lindsay, who started the year by “borrowing” a beautiful necklace from a jewelry store — only to find out later that “borrowing” something without asking is technically “larceny” punishable by jail time. Luckily California was kind enough to give Lindsay a piece of plastic ankle jewelry to replace the necklace now known as "Exhibit A."
16. Fans of “Really Good” TV Shows No One Watches: With the outright cancelation of Hung and Bored to Death as well as talk of canceling NBC’s Community, fans of allegedly “amazing” TV shows no one seems to watch took it on the nose this year. With any luck though, next year scientists will figure out a way to make blogging and Twittering about how much you like a show count for ratings. Then these fans will have it made.