1. John Kerry Lives The Dream, Gets To Deliver Boring 8-Minute Monologue In French

While attempting to seal the deal with one of the few countries who will likely follow the U.S. into war with Syria, John Kerry was given the opportunity to speak, uninterrupted, for eight minutes in front of a captive audience of French politicians and members of the press, who were helpless to do anything about it. And he got to do it in French! This is the exact moment he was gunning for during all that time he spent lobbying to be Secretary of State. He can now die un homme heureux.

2. Google Attempts To Protect The User Data It Sells To Advertisers From The NSA

Google is trying to encrypt the data it collects to create those invasive conversation-specific advertisements on the side of your Gmail screen, so that the NSA can't see it and use it for its own non-revenue-generating intelligence purposes. Though its efforts will likely not make it impossible for intelligence agencies to screen, Google is hoping to make it considerably more difficult, so that when its users discuss the mechanics of pressure cookers they'll only have to contend with ads for Presto® brand kitchen appliances and not sudden knocks at the door.

3. Tokyo Wins Right To Glut City With Obnoxious Tourists For 2020 Olympic Games

Tokyo beat out Istanbul and Madrid in a vote by the International Olympic Committee yesterday for the right to invite millions of xenophobic nationalistic self-entitled tourists from around the world into their city to stomp all over everything and leave an unimaginable mess during the 2020 Summer Olympic Games. This will be the first time that city residents have been forced to endure the indescribable onslaught of foreigners since it hosted the games back in 1964.

4. Iowa Gives Blind People The Right To Be Just As Dangerous With Guns As Everyone Else

Iowa officials have decided to grant gun permits to citizens who are legally or completely blind, so that they can accidentally shoot loved ones and blow digits of their limbs along with everyone else in the state. State law does not allow police officers to deny an Iowan the right to carry a firearm based upon a physical ability or upon being an Iowan.

5. Eminem Joins ESPN's Michigan-Notre Dame Broadcast To Act Like Weirdo

Detroit's own Eminem was in ESPN's broadcast booth for ESPN's Michigan-Notre Dame halftime coverage to freak out Brent Musburger and Kirk Herbstreit with his weird seemingly-drugged out behavior yesterday. After the grandfatherly Musburger was forced to give a half-hearted promotion for Eminem's new single "Berzerk," the hip-hop artist snapped out of his catatonic state long enough to explain that live TV "freaks [him] out" and engage in several minutes of painfully-awkward conversation with the two confused hosts.