1. Giants Pitcher Yusmeiro Petit Throws His 76th Straight Imperfect Game
Yusmeiro Petit came precariously close to ending his flawless 76-game imperfect throwing streak yesterday when — in the ninth inning, with two outs and two strikes, without having allowed a single member of the Arizona Diamondbacks to reach base — the San Francisco Giants' pitcher successfully managed to let pinch-hitter Eric Chavez hit a a line drive to right field that landed just inches from Hunter Pence's glove. Congratulations on keeping the magic going!
2. Dennis Rodman Ends His Self-Publicity Trip To North Korea By Calling Obama And Clinton "Assholes"
On his way back from visiting his "friend for life" Kim Jong-il in scenic North Korea, a cigar-smoking, silver-sequined-cap-wearing Dennis Rodman told reporters in Beijing that negotiating the release of imprisoned American Kenneth Bae was "not [his] job," before telling them to "Ask Obama about that. Ask Hillary Clinton about that. Ask those assholes." Lots of people are talking about Rodman, so his trip is being considered a huge success.
Can't we just send Dennis Rodman to #Syria since he's such a baller?— Gisele Noel (@GiseleNoel) September 6, 2013
3. Aaron Hernandez Pleads Not Guilty To Murder Because, What The Hell, He Might As Well Give That A Shot
Aaron Hernandez appeared in court yesterday and pled "not guilty" to six charges, including one for first-degree murder. The former New England Patriot appears to be using the "Hey, this worked for O.J., what's the worst that can happen?" line of defense.
What if Aaron Hernandez is innocent and this is all so they can film a reality television spin-off of The Longest Yard?— Steve Amiri (@SteveAmiri) September 6, 2013
4. Obama Succeeds In Uniting Far Left Democrats And Far Right Republicans In Opposition To Him
Barack Obama has achieved what many thought impossible. In his attempt to initiate some sort of military action in Syria, he has inspired a coalition of extreme conservatives and extreme liberals in Congress, who are united in opposition his plan. Reps. Alan Grayson and Ted Yoho, both representing Florida districts, who would ordinarily be attempting to choke the life out of one another on the House floor, are just two of the many legislators from both sides currently working together to crush the President's plans.
"Mr. President, we have the go code, and the attack on Syria is ready." "NO. STOP. Get on Facebook. See what Ritch Duncan's aunt thinks."— Ritch Duncan (@ritchied) September 6, 2013
5. Sad People Who Make Terrible Life Choices Already In Line For New iPhone That Hasn't Been Announced Yet
As of yesterday afternoon, at least four depressingly-misguided human beings had opted against spending time with loved ones or making substantive changes in their lives in favor of waiting in line in front of the Apple store in Manhattan to buy the new iPhone 5s, which has not yet been announced. The phone, which will feature only minor differences from the current iPhone 5, will likely not be released until next week, or the week after, at which point it will be available everywhere, all the time.
The new iPhone can show the entire world in 3D, when you're not looking down at it.— Todd Marrone (@toddmarrone) September 6, 2013