5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - September 5, 2013
1. Anthony Weiner Gets In Shouting Match With Random Dude Over Stupid Nonsense, Proving He's Just Like Every Other New Yorker
New York City mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner got into a loud and childish argument in a Brooklyn bakery with some Jewish guy who called him a "scumbag" yesterday, just like a large percentage of the city's other residents. For those voters, and others who instead screamed expletives at an Italian grandmothers after she flipped them off or got into a fistfight with an Iraqi transexual who stole their taxi, this incident should help to make him more approachable after the recent news of his sexting addiction, something he also shares with a large percentage of the city's other residents.
Mr. Weiner my wife and I are your biggest supporters, could you please scream at our baby— Daniel Kibblesmith (@kibblesmith) September 4, 2013
2. Apparently Not Satisfied With All The Undeserved Attention She Already Receives, Miley Cyrus Tweets About Calling A Paparazzi A "C--t"
In an effort to either stave off a potential scandal, or more likely to create one, pop singer Miley Cyrus admitted to her 13.6 million Twitter followers last night that she "Just called this paparazzi a CUNT." If you are not sufficiently scandalized by this news, please wait approximately 16 hours, and she'll have something else to offer you.
Yes, the situation is horrible, but limited military action will not solve the Miley Cyrus problem.— Drew Dernavich (@DrewDernavich) September 4, 2013
3. After Car Accident, Son of Hollywood Screenwriter Caught On Video Being The Exact Kind Of Douchebag You'd Expect Him To Be
Paul Attanasio is a moderately successful screenwriter and producer, having worked on such films and TV shows as Quiz Show, Donnie Brasco, and House M.D. His son John Attanasio — who was caught on video exhibiting extreme asshole-ish behavior and bragging about his "million dollar" Camaro after nearly rear-ending some "broke-ass little bitch" — is going to fucking own Hollywood one day. And he will sleep on a bed of money, Camaros and Entourage DVDs.
i work hard so my son can have one of those syndromes only rich kids get— Jared Logan (@JaredLogan) May 29, 2013
4. Report: NFL Players Not Only Work Hard, They Get Arrested Hard
If there's one thing that NFL players are really good at, it's pushing their bodies to the limit in the pursuit of physical domination and unparalleled athletic prowess. If there's a second thing they're good at, it's getting arrested for idiotic bullshit that any half-witted person could easily avoid. NFL players have found themselves in trouble with the police at least 37 times since last season ended, with 10 drunk driving accusations and one notable charge of murder. Players have been arrested at least 395 times since Roger Goodell stepped into his role as commissioner in 2006.
I'm setting the over/under on blood-soaked Aaron Hernandez jerseys per Halloween party at 5.5 #nfl— Papa's Basement (@papasbasement) September 5, 2013
5. McDonald's Adding More Items, Dollars To Its Dollar Menu
McDonald's is currently testing new versions of its "Dollar Menu" in an effort to give more options to its customers and give more dollars to itself. Its new "Dollar Menu & More" would give consumers the opportunity to buy $2 items or $5 items instead of those boring old $1 items everyone's tired of. McDonald's is hoping to roll out these exciting new spending choices soon.
The McDonalds dollar menu must be being subsidized by a very patient Al Qaeda.— Craig (@cmb) May 15, 2013