1. Ariel Castro *Technically* Completes His Life Sentence By Killing Himself

Ariel Castro's prison term was fulfilled 999 years and 11 months earlier than expected when he it was discovered that he had hanged himself in his cell 35 days into his millennium-long sentence for kidnapping, imprisoning and raping three women over the course of ten years. Although Castro was placed in special custody within the correctional facility to protect him from other prisoners, he was not placed on suicide watch to protect him from himself.


2. Senate Is Suspicious About Ground Troops Being Able To Accomplish The Mission In Syria, For Some Odd Reason

Members of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, who seem to maybe not have the most amount of faith ever in Obama's intervention plan for Syria, will vote today on a measure that would allow the President a military strike in the Middle eastern country, but would limit its interminable intractable-ness to just 90 days and would prohibit ground troops.


3. Court Rules N-Word Still Offensive Even If Said By Non-Honkies

A federal court decided that the use of the N-word in the workplace should be considered a form of discrimination and harassment, regardless of whether it is said by black people or their white cracker-ass co-workers. Jurors awarded $250,000 to a black woman after her boss, who is also black, subjected her to what her attorney called a "four-minute n----r tirade" worthy of a celebrity chef.


4. HBO Gives "True Blood" The "True Death" After Next Season

The seventh season of HBO's popular vampire-werewolf-faerie-minotaur-witch-werepanther-shapeshifters-ifrit-ghost show True Blood, set to run next summer, will be its last, according to the pay-cable network. The gothic horror-romance show set in a small Louisiana town will apparently now be forced to cram mummies, Frankensteins, half-orcs and sexy alien blobs into its final ten-episode run.


5. New York Times Weddings Announcement Makes An Abortion Part Of Cute Romantic Background Story

A wedding announcement for Faith Rein and NBA player Udonis Haslem in Friday's edition if the New York Times openly discussed the couple's thoughtful joint decision to opt for an abortion earlier in their relationship without skirting around the issue, almost as though the people reading the article were adults who could process real-life complex and complicated matters without throwing jars of blood at their newspapers and computer screens.