5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - May 30, 2014
1. Steve Ballmer Agrees To Be L.A. Clippers' Newest Maniacal Billionaire Overlord
Former Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer has decided that he will magnanimously part with $2 billion of his immense personal fortune in order to save the Los Angeles Clippers from having to have an unimaginably wealthy, amoral egotist as an owner. Hopefully, he will run his basketball team with the same unrelenting drive for quality and innovation with which he ran his tech company.
"You can sleep with people from Apple, just don't bring them to my games!" - Clippers Owner Steve Ballmer
— Matt Goldich (@MattGoldich) May 29, 2014
2. Donald Sterling Found To Be Unfit To Decide Whether Or Not He's Unfit To Own Clippers
The L.A. Clippers' current crazy, old, racist owner Don Sterling has been found mentally unfit to decide whether he should or should not be selling his basketball team for a staggering $2 billion dollars. Actually, I'm pretty sure reluctance to accept a $2 billion offer for a basketball team should itself qualify for such a diagnosis.
Don Sterling got $2 BILLION for selling the Clippers? Uh, hey...I don't want any black people in my house! Make me an offer!
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) May 29, 2014
3. Bruce Willis and Demi Moore's Daughter Following In Their Proudly Naked Footsteps
Scout Willis— daughter of a man who lobbied for the privilege of displaying his penis in 1994's Color of Night and a woman who was naked for a significant percentage of the '90s—has been tweeting topless photos of herself walking around Manhattan to protest Instagram's odd policies concerning nudity.
— MTV(other) (@MTVother) May 29, 2014
4. Quentin Tarantino Is Reportedly Dating Uma Thurman's Feet
It would appear as though respected film director and notable podophiliac Quentin Tarantino finally has full access to the feet of Uma Thurman, which have appeared un-shoed in several of his films over the years. He and Uma Thurman's feet's owner have apparently been dating recently.
"I did not have sexual relations with that woman's foot." - Clinton Tarantino
— Giles Brody (@GilesBrody) May 28, 2014
5. Anti-Vax Activists Really Have Made A Difference — Measles Hits 20-Year High
The CDC has announced that 2014 has seen the largest outbreak of measles of the past two decades. Way to go, anti-vaccination activists! You really are being the change you want to see in the world.
They've got measles in Manhattan. But they are artisanal measles.
— Guy Nicolucci (@Nicolucci1899) April 3, 2014
(by Dennis DiClaudio)