5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - June 4, 2014
1. Legal Marijuana Scourge Has Devastating Effect On Colorado's Criminal Job Market
Since the legalization of marijuana in Colorado, crime rates have fallen 10.6%. It is currently unclear what exactly is accounting for the drop, but it would appear as though this is just more proof that pot just makes you lazy and unwilling to accomplish even the simplest of felonies.
Somebody wake up Colorado and tell it it needs to get to the record store by noon or it's fired.— Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) April 19, 2014
2. Maureen Dowd Warns Against The Dangers Of Doing Pot And Going On Marijuana Trips
In a new column for the New York Times, Maureen Dowd recounts her harrowing nightmare adventure of taking two bites of some marijuana candy in a Colorado hotel room. "But then I felt a scary shudder go through my body and brain. I barely made it from the desk to the bed, where I lay curled up in a hallucinatory state for the next eight hours. I was thirsty but couldn't move to get water. Or even turn off the lights," she explained. "I strained to remember where I was or even what I was wearing, touching my green corduroy jeans and staring at the exposed-brick wall. As my paranoia deepened, I became convinced that I had died and no one was telling me." Weird! I'm often convinced of the very same thing while I'm reading her column.
Maureen Dowd Tries Sex; Is Horrified— Sofiya Alexandra (@TheSofiya) June 4, 2014
3. Stephen Colbert Found To Be Better At Explaining Things That Journalists Don't Care About Than Journalists
According to a new study, Stephen Colbert—who is leaving his fake news program on Comedy Central to begin hosting the Late Show on CBS next year—does "a better job than other news sources at teaching people about campaign financing." This seems kind of unfair, considering how other news sources have no interest in teaching people about campaign financing.
Oh thank god. Maureen Dowd has given her blessing to Stephen Colbert. I'll have to check this guy out now!!— Lisa Cohen (@cohills) April 13, 2014
4. God Decides To Smite Albuquerque With Plague Of Grasshoppers For Some Reason
For reasons currently unknown, the city of Albuquerque, New Mexico has displeased our Lord in Heaven to such a degree that the all-powerful deity has seen fit to shower the southwestern metropolis with a plague of grasshoppers the likes of which have not been seen in two decades. "Albuquerque has not seen these levels of grasshoppers since the early-mid 1990′s," one official explained. The air is apparently so thick with the insects that they're showing up like rain on the National Weather Service's radar system. So, if you're going out, wear a locust coat.
I hate it when I think someone across the street is waving at me when they're actually just being attacked by a swarm of locusts.— Dr. Twittenheimer (@DrTwittenheimer) May 28, 2014
5. Catholic Pope Asks Catholic Couples To Stop Raising Catholic Dogs And Start Raising Catholic Babies
Perhaps in response to the alarming lack of Catholics in the world, Pope Francis is calling upon the faithful to put aside their sinful pet-owning, non-baby-having, modern lifestyles that will surely lead to "old age in solitude, with the bitterness of loneliness. It is not fertile; it does not do what Jesus does with his church: he makes it fertile." Exactly! Go have many, many children. Just like Jesus!
The Pope can't have pets OR children, so how can he even weigh in on this debate? It's like me deciding between a yacht or a private jet.— Jared Logan (@JaredLogan) June 2, 2014
(by Dennis DiClaudio)