1. Supreme Court Votes To Protect Deeply-Held Religious Convictions Of Corporations

The Supreme Court ruled today in favor of Hobby Lobby, deciding that the Obamacare mandate cannot force closely held corporations to provide birth control to female employees if the businesses hold religious convictions against paying for a bunch of sinful junk for those sexed-up hussies.


2. Facebook Researcher Apologizes For Controversial Research, Had No Idea People Would Not Want To Get Jerked Around By A Website

The co-author of a recent research project conducted on Facebook—in which posts that were seen in people's news feeds were chosen in a specific attempt to manipulate their moods—has apologized for his actions. "I can understand why some people have concerns about it, and my coauthors and I are very sorry for the way the paper described the research and any anxiety it caused," the data scientist lamented. How does his sorrowful apology make you feel, though? On a scale from 1 to 5, with 1 being "very happy" and 5 being "very sad." 


3. Communists Stole "Flag of the Poor" From Catholic Church, Says Leader Of Church With Assets Valued At More $10 Billion  

In an interview with with the Italian newspaper Il Messaggero, Pope Francis accused communists of stealing the Church's jam with regards to caring about poor people. "I can only say that the communists have stolen our flag. The flag of the poor is Christian. Poverty is at the center of the Gospel," the Pope explained from inside a room that, were its furnishings sold, could feed every hungry person on Earth for a week.  


4. Religious Expert Elton John Says Jesus Would Be Cool With Gay, Married Priests

Claiming that the Catholic Church's rules are "old and stupid," musician Elton John told Sky News that, given his deep understanding of theology acquired over years of writing pop songs, he's pretty sure Jesus would be down with gay priests getting married. "If Jesus Christ was alive today, I cannot see him, as the Christian person that he was and the great person that he was, saying this could not happen," he said. 


5. Hollywood Sends Loud, Obnoxious Robot Dinosaurs Into China To Get Some Of U.S.'s Money Back

Transformers: Age of Extinction's huge, $93 million opening weekend in China is being seen as a game changer for Hollywood. Now that film producers can see that the Asian country's immense film market enjoys brainless, loud, two-hour-long explosions as much as U.S. audiences, they will likely start tailoring films to their tastes.


(by Dennis DiClaudio)