5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - June 29, 2014
1. The Country That Wants To Go To War With The U.S. Over A Rogen-Franco Movie Just Got A Little Bit Closer To Possessing Long-Range Missiles
South Korean officials are reporting that the North Korean military carried out an unpleasantly successful test of several missiles earlier today. The projectiles—which somehow did not immediately fall to the ground and fizzle out while spurting sparks and missile juice onto the ground after being fired toward the country's eastern waters—are presumed to be short-range Scud ballistic missiles.
I guess Tom Brokaw was right. When North Korea v. Seth Rogen is your generation's great conflict, you're probably not the greatest.— pourmecoffee (@pourmecoffee) June 27, 2014
2. The Mighty British Empire Needs Semen!
Quick! There's no time to spare! Run to the kitchen, grab the largest ziplock bag you can find and start filling it up with as many spermatozoa as you can manage. According to the British Fertility Society, the United Kingdom is currently experiencing a "major" sperm donation drought, thus forcing fertility clinics to accept lesser quality semen. They're presumably even taking donations from Scotland. Once you're finished, mail your donation to the United Kingdom. No address needed. These are sperm; they'll know how to find their way.
If you're a receptionist at a sperm bank, and you DON’T say, "please come again!" when people leave, you need to quit your job immediately.— Mike Rylander (@MikeRylander) June 10, 2014
3. Shoutout To All The Happy Facebook Couples: Everybody Hates You!
According to a survey of 100 people conducted for a book called The Science of Relationships, everybody in the world hates you and your stupid partner and your dumb blissful relationship and all the disgustingly happy Facebook photos of you two being all gross and cute together. “When it comes to relationship disclosure on Facebook, there can be too much of a good thing,” according to an author of the study. So just shut up and take that distasteful joie de vivre elsewhere, freaks!
We see you, couples posting on Facebook about how happy you are, and we know you're full of shit.— caprice crane (@capricecrane) November 23, 2013
4. Study: Sunglasses Trick People Into Thinking You Look Cool
According to a researcher from Nottingham Trent University in the United Kingdom, sunglasses make even dopey-looking people like you and me appear to be cooler than we are by hiding the communicative information usually provided by our eyes. "The eyes are such a tremendous source of information — and vulnerability — for the human being," Vanessa Brown explained. "Sunglasses, by covering those vulnerable eyes and implying that connection with sleek engineering and glossy surfaces, make it easier to pull off a truly cool demeanor."
A funny thing is an alligator in sunglasses. "Hey- who's that cool alligator?" everyone says. Good luck keeping those glasses on though! Ha!— Dave Hill (@mrdavehill) June 24, 2014
5. Trying To Cheer Up Miserable People Is A Great Way For Covert Sadists To Make Them Even More Miserable
It turns out that having unhappy friends with low self esteem is a win-win situation for sadistic people who get off on other people's misery. If you agree with them and tell them what losers they are, they actually get a small boost of pleasure via "negative validation." However, if you try to cheer them up with "positive reframing," it makes them even more miserable than they started out being. So, you really can't lose!
Just tried to cheer up a sad looking girl by telling her she looked like Beyonce. She stared at me like, "bitch nobody looks like Beyonce".— Nikki Glaser (@NikkiGlaser) February 11, 2014
(by Dennis DiClaudio)