1. CNBC Host Forgets To Not Out Apple CEO As Gay

CNBC co-anchor Simon Hobbs broke the first rule of not outing powerful corporate CEOs as being gay when he accidentally outed powerful Apple CEO Tim Cook as being gay during a Friday morning segment of Squawk on the Street. Hopefully, he learns his lesson from this and doesn't out powerful Apple CEO Tim Cook as being gay in the future.


2. Jeremy Meeks Might Be Modeling A Tom Ford Suit During His Trial, As Human Civilization Careens Toward Its Long-Overdue Destruction

While he is standing before a judge on trial for his seven felony counts, Internet sensation Jeremy Meeks—also known as the "Hot Convict," "Handsome Felon" and "Alleged Criminal Whom Your Girlfriend Is Thinking About In The Shower"—might be wearing a custom-tailored suit provided by fashion designer Tom Ford. You know, this may be absurd commercialism, but I have to admit that this does kind of make me want to buy a Tom Ford suit and go out and commit seven felonies.


3. Amy Adams Tricks Poor Soldier Into Spending Entire Airline Flight With The Assholes In First Class

Film actress Amy Adams is making headlines this week after she got caught foisting her overpriced, bourgeois First Class airline ticket off on an innocent U.S. soldier who was only trying to get from Detroit to Los Angeles in peace. Due to her selfishness, Adams was able to spend the entirety of the flight with the salt of the earth real American passengers of coach, while the soldier was forced to mingle and drink champagne with the elitists in the front of the plane. Isn't that just like one of those Big Hollywood types?! 


4. Oklahoma Politician Is The Only Person With Guts Enough To Tell The Truth About Rep. Frank Lucas Being A Robot Doppelgänger

Tea Party Republican Tim Murray may have lost the primary election for Oklahoma's 3rd congressional district, but that's probably because voters are intimidated by willingness to speak hard truths. Truths like how his opponent died three years ago and was secretly replaced by a robot replica: "It is widely known Rep. Frank D. Lucas is no longer alive and has been displayed by a look alike," Murray explained. Lucas, of course, denies all allegations of being a robot body double, but isn't that just exactly what you'd expect a robot body double to do?


5. Lightning Is Sexist Against Men

Did you know that nearly everybody who died by being struck by lightning in the past eight years has been a man? We're talking 80 percent. Think about that. But there's more. All seven—a full 100 percent—of the people who have been electrocuted by lightning so far this year have been men. You know, I hate to admit it, but it looks like Reddit's men's rights activists were right. The world is against us. 


(by Dennis DiClaudio)