1. John Boehner Is Planning To Unsuccessfully Sue Barack Obama
U.S. Speaker of the House John Boehner has announced that he is planning to sue Barack Obama for "ignoring the American people's elected representatives and exceeding his Constitutional authority." As soon as Boehner gets the President to sign a law that would give him the authorization to sue the President, the President will be in a lot of trouble.
John Boehner is suing Obama for the crime of acting like a majority of Americans elected him president.— John Fugelsang (@JohnFugelsang) June 25, 2014
2. Will Ferrell Promises To Bite Every German Soccer Player To Secure World Cup Win For U.S.
While attempting to amp up a crowd of American soccer fans in Recife, Brazil this morning, comedian Will Ferrell promised that he would do whatever it takes to grab another win for the U.S. World Cup team. "If the game gets close, I will bite you, bite you," he told any opponents who happened to be listening. "I will bite every German player if I have to," he pledged.
Even if the US beats Germany, all their players will just fake their own deaths and flee to South America— Big Tits Will Weldon (@oldmanweldon) June 26, 2014
3. Your Favorite Beach Is A Restful, Idyllic Cesspool Of Rampant Bacterial Filth
According to new research, about one-in-ten U.S. beaches do not meet the EPA's water-safety standards and could give bathers any number of medical problems such as conjunctivitis, pink eye, or various neurological disorders. But that's only if any part of your body touches the water or sand. Just so long as you stay covered up, you should be fine.
A family picture with everyone in white shirts and khakis on the beach at sunset is the currency of the upper middle class.— Andrew Hibbard (@andrewhibbard) June 21, 2014
4. Keira Knightley Only Receives $50K Salary From Her Multimillionaire Boss Keira Knightley
Despite being worth approximately $50 million dollars, British actress Keira Knightley only pays herself a $50,000 allowance every year. "I think living an [expensive] lifestyle means you can’t hang out with people who don’t live that lifestyle. It alienates you. Some of my best, most hilarious times have been in the least luxurious places." Funny. That's the same thing I tell myself to make myself stop crying when I'm balancing my checkbook.
Keira Knightley hasn't responded to any of the letters I wrote in human blood. Not my blood though. I want to make that clear.— Adam Wilson (@theleanover) July 28, 2013
5. New Yorkers Are Once Again Free To Murder Their Bodies With Enormous Portions Of Soda
New York City has now lost its final appeal in its continued effort to keep city residents from killing themselves by pouring absurdly large quantities of calorie-laden sugar water into their faces all day long.
I can't believe people still smoke cigarettes. Why would anyone do that to their body? *drinks soda straight from the 2 liter*— Pauly Casillas (@PaulyPeligroso) May 30, 2014
(by Dennis DiClaudio)