5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - June 22, 2014
1. Soon-To-Be-Former Pope Excommunicates All Mafiosi From The Catholic Church
Pope Francis yesterday issued a condemnation against all members of the mafia, stating that such criminals "are not in communion with God. They are excommunicated." He was a pretty cool Pope while he lasted, wasn't he?
BREAKING: Pope excommunicates Italian mafia, wakes up to find altar boy's head in bed.— Warren Holstein (@WarrenHolstein) June 22, 2014
2. Hank Paulson Uses His Vast Knowledge Of Crashing World Economies To Explain Climate Change
Writing for the New York Times op-ed page, former U.S. Secretary of the Treasury Henry Paulson—on whom many people place a great deal of blame for the economic crash of the late-aughts—decided to draw comparisons between massive economic ruin and massive environmental ruin. "Looking back at the dark days of the financial crisis in 2008, it is easy to see the similarities between the financial crisis and the climate challenge we now face." Honorable as his intentions may be, it appears that Congress is dead-set on following the same head-in-the-sand approach that worked so well for us all six years ago, as Jon Stewart points out here:
"If climate change is real then why are gays trying to take my guns?" - FOX News anchor having a seizure— Jamie Kilstein (@jamiekilstein) June 18, 2014
3. Lady Married To Sexy Mugshot Guy Is Surprisingly Not-Thrilled With Half The World Masturbating To Him
Believe it or not, the wife of Jeremy Meeks—that superhot convict guy whom all of your female, gay and sexually adventurous male friends have been melting over lately—is not particularly happy about all the attention that her ridiculously photogenic husband has been receiving during his time in jail. "Her man is in there and people are taking it as a joke, thinking it’s funny talking about his looks, saying all kinds of crazy things," a friend of hers told CBS Sacramento.
Come along, Hot Mugshot guy, you'll be sharing a display with the Golden Voiced Homeless Man in the Museum of Fleeting Amusements.— Sean Thomason (@TheThomason) June 20, 2014
4. White House Creates Special Task Force To Try To Convince The Bees To Not Leave Us Alone To Die
The White House has set up a special task force to figure out how to reverse the continuing decline in bee populations that is threatening the nation's agriculture industry. Hopefully, it won't be the same people who were responsible for the Obamacare roll-out earlier this year. It'd be a shame to see the bee populations crash even further.
We know the bees are disappearing, and we know that would fuck us over, but all we've done about it is make a shitty Mark Wahlberg movie.— Avery Edison (@aedison) June 15, 2014
5. Putting Butter In Coffee Is The Latest Trend, Because We're Apparently Running Out Of Non-Ridiculous Trends
You may have noticed a lot of energy-seeking, highly credulous people stirring spoonfuls of butter and coconut oil into their morning coffee recently. In addition to being yet another excuse to add butter to our daily diets, it's part of the newest "fitness" craze called Bulletproof coffee, which was introduced to U.S. consumers by a health guru who drank some coffee filled with yak butter while in Tibet. So, clearly, it's on the level.
(by Dennis DiClaudio)