1. U.S. Underdogs Knock Those Fat Cats From Ghana Down A Peg Or Two With 2-1 World Cup Victory

U.S. soccer team had a strong start to the World Cup yesterday with a stirring 2-1 defeat of Ghana. It's so nice to see America catching a break for once.


2. God Emphatically Restates His Extreme Distaste For American Midwest With Twin Tornadoes 

pair of massive tornadoes touched down in Nebraska yesterday evening and essentially wiped the small Stanton County town of Pilger off the map. "It was like God dragged two fingernails across the the land," one of the village's 378 residents explained to the Omaha World-Herald.


3. Infrared Technology Used To Find Pablo Picasso's Discarded Old Junk Paintings

Using state-of-the-art infrared camera technology, Art experts have managed to look beneath Pablo Picassos famous "Blue Room" painting and unearth a portrait of an unknown man that the artist felt was literally worth less than the price of a new canvas. 


4. Court Rules Everyone On Earth Allowed To Make Their Own Shitty Version Of 'Sherlock Holmes'

The Seventh Circuit Court ruled yesterday that you are now free to self-publish that awful Sherlock Holmes Investigates 9/11 novel you've got sitting on your hard drive. The stories by Arthur Conan Doyle—which have served as the inspiration for no less than 47 television shows and movies in recent years—have now officially passed into the public domain.


5. Pretty Soon You'll Be Able To Sit And Spin On The New Middle Finger Emoji

250 new emojis will soon be available for your smart phone texting usage. Chief among them is them is the highly anticipated "Reversed Hand With Middle Finger Extended" that is certain to revolutionize mobile communication.


(by Dennis DiClaudio)