5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - June 12, 2014
1. The New York Rangers Won Game 4 Of The Stanley Cup Final And Dragged Out The Hockey Season Even Longer
The New York Rangers defeated the Los Angeles Kings last night in a 2-1 win that ensured this series, and thus the sport of hockey, would continue to be in the news for at least another few days. The Rangers, who were down 0-3 in the series before last night, live to see another day thanks in large part to the 40 saves made by goalie Henrik Lundqvist, which is no doubt a delight for your one friend who cares about hockey.
It's important that you just tweeted, "Let's go Rangers!" The players are checking their feeds constantly
— Tim Long (@mrtimlong) June 7, 2014
2. George H.W. Bush Celebrated His 90th Birthday By Jumping Out Of A Plane Because It's Starting To Seem More Likely He's Invincible
Former President George H.W. Bush celebrated his 90th birthday today the way anyone would if they'd made it to 90: by jumping out of a plane. Bush, who has survived bronchitis, Parkinson's, and Saddam Hussein, must have figured that gravity was also not capable of bringing him down. Bush says this was his last jump, but he also jumped on his 80th and 85th birthdays.
George H.W. Bush keeps jumping out of planes... I guess fathering the worst president of the century makes you want to plummet to the ground
— Erik Tanouye (@toyns) June 12, 2014
3. Mila Kunis Objected To Men Who Say "We" Are Pregnant, Which Made Me Think Of A Great Premise For An Ashton Kutcher Movie
Pregnant actress Mila Kunis appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live on Tuesday to deliver a public service announcement to men who say "we're" pregnant. Kunis explained that men can't claim they're pregnant since they don't have to "squeeze a watermelon-sized person out of your ladyhole." Which sounds like the premise for a great Ashton Kutcher summer movie!
I almost read an entire article on Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis' love affair before I realized no one was making me
— Alison Agosti (@AlisonAgosti) June 3, 2014
4. Texas Governor Rick Perry Compared Homosexuality To Alcoholism So We Compared Rick Perry To A Turd
Texas Governor Rick Perry, who much like a turd is both unpleasant to be around and not very smart, compared homosexuality to alcoholism last night at an event in San Francisco (Yes, in San Francisco! Such chutzpah!). Building on the Texas GOP's new platform advocating gay conversion therapy, Perry claimed that even if people have a genetic predisposition to alcoholism, they can choose not to be alcoholics. Similarly, the governor claimed people who are genetically predisposed to homosexuality can choose not to be gay, which brings us back to our original point about Rick Perry needing to be flushed.
Texas Gov. Rick Perry compared homosexuality to alcoholism, bolstering my efforts to compare Rick Perry supporters to lobotomized ferrets.
— Rex Huppke (@RexHuppke) June 12, 2014
5. Leaders Of A Military Coup In Thailand Ordered TV Providers To Give Free World Cup Access To Distract People From Their Country Being Taken Over By A Military Coup
The ruling junta in Thailand, which took over in late May, has ordered TV providers to make sure viewers won't have to pay a fee to get access to World Cup coverage. The order is part of the junta's "happiness campaign," which has included such gimmicks as free haircuts and concert tickets, like some kind of democracy-breaching pub quiz night. It remains to be seen if these super fun incentives can sufficiently distract the public from the strict curfews and jailing of opponents.
This Thai coup is scary. The army has enacted a strict curfew and suspended all lunch specials.
— ⚡David Angelo⚡ (@MrDavidAngelo) May 30, 2014