5 Things You Should At Least Pretend To Know Today - July 3, 2014
1. Lindsay Lohan Is Suing 'Grand Theft Auto' Maker — Claims Gross, Obnoxious Celebrity Character Is Stealing Her Thing
Lindsay Lohan has reportedly filed a lawsuit against Rockstar Games for their use of a character named Lacey Jonas in the popular video game Grand Theft Auto V, claiming that the vapid, self-obsessed character is based upon her own public image. "The portraits of the Plaintiff (Lohan) incorporated her image, likeness, clothing, outfits, Plaintiff’s clothing line products, ensemble in the form of hats, hair style, sunglasses, jean shorts worn by the Plaintiff that were for sale to the public at least two years," according to the suit.
Lindsay Lohan is suing Grand Theft Auto for using her likeness. While Grand Theft Auto is suing Lindsay Lohan for using their driving style— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) July 2, 2014
2. Did Rick Perry Give Up His Cowboy Boots To Impress Those Oxford-Wearing Nancy Boys Who Live In Not-Texas?
Many people are viewing Texas Gov. Rick Perry's recent decision to switch from wearing patriotic cowboy boots to the normal Oxford style dress shoes favored by gay homosexuals and liberal terrorists is a sign that he is hoping to appeal to a wider demographic in the 2016 presidential election. "I lament the fact that our governor could now pass for a West Coast metrosexual and has embarrassed us all with his sartorial change of direction," said Texas Land Commissioner Jerry Patterson .
Rick Perry is a homophobic, douche, but he was amazing as the lead singer in the band, Journey.— Jessica Kirson (@JessicaKirson) June 19, 2014
3. Rob Ford Admits To Having Done All The Drugs
If you are currently having a problem finding quality drugs for you to ingest, it might be because Toronto Mayor Rob Ford has already sucked them all up into his face. The troubled politician who was recently released from a rehab facility is now admitting that he has done pretty much every "drug you can think of."
Today, we are all shirtless men, confronting Rob Ford— Big Tits Will Weldon (@oldmanweldon) July 2, 2014
4. Pope Francis To Revive Scientific Practice Of Casting Out Unclean Spirits From The Bodies Of Wretched Sinners
Good news for all the demon-possessed Catholics out there! Pope Francis is reportedly giving his Papal blessing to the centuries-old, sacramental practice of exorcizing evil minions of the Dark Lord Satan from the bodies of wayward humans. Fingers crossed that he'll approve an exorcism app for the iPhone and Android devices. I mean, this is the 21st Century, after all.
Hey, just thought I'd call to say this exorcism is gonna go late, these demons are lodged in there good. I'll pick up pizza on the way home.— Mark Leggett (@markleggett) May 7, 2014
5. Tesla To Come Out With Slightly Less Unaffordable Car
If you have been unable to afford purchasing a Tesla Model S electric car due to its impressively large $70,000 sticker price, things might be getting ready to turn around for you. You will soon be unable to buy a Tesla Model E electric car, which will be priced at around $30,000. You still won't own one, but you'll be a little bit closer to being able to imagining the possibility.
Bro, do you mind if I charge my Tesla at your house while I get my chest waxed?— Jason Good (@jasonmgood) March 6, 2014
(by Dennis DiClaudio)