1. The World Survives Yet Another VMA Ceremony With Only Minimal Carnage

MTV—a basic cable channel notable for featuring zero music videos—hosted its annual Video Music Awards ceremony again last night. And it was a big, big night! Miley Cyris did something. Iggy Azalea did something else. Nikki Minaj probably did something or other. And, of course, Beyoncé outdid everyone in the something department.


2. Hip-Hop Mogul Suge Knight Tells Death To Go F--- Itself After Being Shot Multiple Times

Former CEO of Death Row Records Marion "Suge" Knight was shot several times during R&B artist Chris Brown's pre-VMA party yesterday. The hip-hop impresario—who was also shot during Kanye West's pre-VMA party back in 2005—is expected to live to be shot at future pre-VMA parties.


3. 'True Blood' Receives Merciful Death

Fans of HBO's True Blood were finally set free last night after the long-running erotic vampire/werewolf/fairy/minotaur series aired its final episode, in which, true to form, a bunch of ridiculous shit happens.


4. Michael Sam Rescues Fan From His Own Dumb Promise

Shortly after Twitter user @SquareKnight promised every single person in the world that he would get them drunk forever if Michael Sam were to sack Cleveland Brown quarterback Johnny Manziel and flash "the money sign" during Saturday's game, the rookie St. Louis Ram did just that. However, Sam magnanimously let @SquareKinight off the hook by allowing him to simply give a bunch of money to a charitable cause. Great for the charity, but I'm stone cold sober over here.


5. Thousands Of Boobs Set Free For Yesterday's International Go Topless Day  

Men and women in countries all over the world took off their shirts and exposed their nipples yesterday for the annual International Go Topless Day, created to bring awareness to the pro-equal rights movement seeking to give women everywhere the same opportunity men have to walk around with their chests exposed. As this seems like a cause that benefits everyone, it seems odd that it's taking so long to catch on.  


(by Dennis DiClaudio)