1. The Michael Brown Incident Report Is Completely Blank, Thus Proving That All This Fuss Is Over Nothing

The Ferguson Police Department has finally gotten around to releasing the incident report for the shooting death of unarmed teenager Michael Brown, and wouldn't you know it happens to be completely devoid of information. So, looks like your Fox News-watching uncle was right about this being a whole bunch of hubbub over nothing at all.


2. U.S. Copyright Office Sets Monkey Selfies Free

The United States Copyright Office has just overhauled copyright law so that photographs taken by monkeys and other animals, which apparently is a thing worthy of consideration, cannot be copyrighted. "The Office will not register works produced by nature, animals, or plants," according to the government office. "Likewise, the Office cannot register a work purportedly created by divine or supernatural beings, although the Office may register a work where the application or the deposit copy state that the work was inspired by a divine spirit." So, any tasteful nudes taken by spooky ghosts are fair game.


3. Catholics: Your ALS Ice Bucket Challenge Video Might Send You To Hell Fire

You may think that you're doing good for the world by dumping a bucket of ice water on your head and uploading a video of it to YouTube. However, the Cincinnati Archdiocese has pointed out that if your trendy viral video inspires people to donate money to the ALS Association, then they are unwittingly supporting research via stem cells. And, as the life of a poor, innocent stem cell is roughly equivalent to that of a person with Lou Gehrig's Disease, this may cause a moral conundrum.


4. Florida Man Can Finally Marry Other Florida Man

Florida Man sure has had his share of adventures, but he's about to enter into the most exciting adventure of all: true love. Yesterday, a federal judge declared the Sunshine State's ban on same sex marriage to be unconstitutional.


5. 'Sin City 2' Offers Old Fashioned Style, Effects and Misogyny

Robert Rodriguez and Frank Miller's follow-up to 2005's Sin City finally hits theaters today, bringing with it mediocre reviews, some warmed-over visual effects and egregious acts of violence. Plus misogynistic story lines aplenty!


(by Dennis DiClaudio)