1. OMG, New Mexico Teen Totally Like, Catches The Plague Or Whatever

New Mexico is now the proud home of the country's first human case of the plague since 2012. Normally about seven Americans get the medieval illness each year, and typically via flea bites. The afflicted in this instance is a 15-year-old boy, which does kind of make you wonder if, instead of flea bites, the cause of the illness was God's anger over the boys no doubt heavy masturbation schedule. While the plague can kill, antibiotics are generally effective in fighting the disease.

 

2. The NSA Broke Its Own Privacy Rules A Couple (Thousand) Times

According to an audit of top-secret documents obtained by the Washington Post, the National Security Agency broke privacy rules and overstepped its legal authority thousands of times each year since Congress granted the agency its terrifying spying powers in 2008. The majority of the infractions involve unauthorized surveillance of Americans or foreign intelligence targets in the United States and range from major violations of law to typographical errors that resulted in unintended interception of U.S. e-mails - most likely where people had written "Your going to blow up the Statue of Liberty" instead of "You're going to blow up the Statue of Liberty?" 

someecards.com - I'd be more upset about the NSA accessing my phone records if I used my phone for anything but texting and taking pictures of my dick.

 

3. Lucky Winner of $1M Is About To Become Unlucky Winner Of Expired $1M Lottery Ticket 

An unknown winner of a $1 million lottery prize in NY has until Aug. 25 to claim his prize; otherwise the money will go into a prize pool for future winners. According to lottery officials, unclaimed prizes are apparently pretty common. In just the last four months, winners (though that seems like a pretty positive word for someone who managed to lose $1M) have failed to claim nearly $28 million in drawing-game prizes before they expired. 

someecards.com - If I won the Powerball I'd still keep my job so that I could act like a complete asshole until I'm fired.

 

4. Not To Freak You Out Or Anything, But The Cup Of Coffee You're Probably Drinking Right Now Could Kill You

new report that looked at information from almost 44,000 patients over 17 years concluded that there is a connection between drinking more than 28 cups (224 ounces) of coffee each week and dying young (55 years old and younger). Luckily for you though, the job you hate is much more likely to be the cause of your untimely death.

 

5. As If The History Channel UFO Guy Doesn't Look Crazy Enough Already, Declassified Documents Show Area 51 Was Just A U-2 Testing Site

Newly released CIA documents officially acknowledge Area 51 — a long time fixation for alien conspiracy theorists - as merely a testing site for the government's U-2 and OXCART aerial surveillance programs. The U-2 program conducted surveillance around the world, including over the Soviet Union during the Cold War. Or did it?