5. Pussy Riot - The all-girl Russian punk band that ran afoul of Vladimir Putin by performing a protest song in a church were sentenced to two years in prison over the weekend, which was terrible for them but fantastic for people who enjoy hearing newscasters say the words "Pussy Riot" with a straight face. It also gave American twentysomethings a chance to momentarily pretend to care about the Russian punk scene before we realized there were no bands called "Cock Looting" or "Anus Protest" and we completely lost interest.
4. Melky Cabrera - The Giants outfielder, recently busted for using a banned substance, has dug himself an even bigger hole by creating a fake website for the product in a misguided attempt to back up his claim that he didn't know it was against the rules. It's being called the most elaborate deception involving a professional athlete since Michael Jordan tricked himself into thinking he was a baseball player.
3. Jay Leno - Don't be surprised if you see a substantial increase in homeless people on the streets of Burbank, offering to read you funny headlines for a quarter: The Tonight Show has had to lay off 20-25 staff members. Leno can probably get by on paying his employees in antique cars for a few dozen years but, if things get any worse, he might have to stop shaking hands with the front row and start robbing them at gunpoint.
2. Moviegoers - Controversial director Lars von Trier has announced that alleged actor and convicted Indiana Jones-ruiner Shia LaBeouf will have actual, unsimulated sex in his upcoming film, Nymphomaniac — which is exciting news for literally no one other than Shia LaBeouf. We're not saying this is worse than the time von Trier said he felt "sympathy" for Adolf Hitler — we're saying it's much worse.
1. Todd Akin - If you're a Republican Senate candidate from Missouri who suddenly becomes nationally famous overnight, chances are you said something incredibly stupid. In Akin's case, it was a TV interview in which he claimed not only that pregnancy from "legitimate rape" is rare, but that "the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down." Forget for one second that Akin is seriously suggesting the female body is a Magical Abortion Machine — which, if it were true, would not only render the entire political argument null and void, but also ruin MTV's fall programming schudule — our question is, what the hell is "legitimate rape"? Luckily, the national GOP has just pulled this clown's funding, ensuring this will be the first and last you ever hear of him. At least until Fox News appoints him their Senior Expert On Lady Parts.