5. Florida Voters - In a state whose population consists of equal parts senile Jewish grandmothers, hungover Disney mascots and meth-addled alligator wrestlers, we'd be shocked if anything that happened in this state wasn't a total clusterf**k. Thus, it's not surprising to hear that some Florida voters are being subjected to six- or even nine-hour lines just to get to the polls. To their credit, these Floridians are braving those horrible conditions to express their right to vote. Either that, or they died in line a few hours ago and no one's been able to tell the difference.
4. PayPal Hacking Victims - We're not entirely sure what a Catholic terrorist's failed 17th century bomb plot has to do with stealing a bunch of PayPal passwords, and we're pretty sure these guys don't either. But hey, when you're a group of technologically gifted social misfits with no moral compass and a s**tload of time on your presumably unemployed hands, it's fun to pretend you're leading some kind of noble rebellion against an oppressive government instead of just stealing a bunch of innocent people's identities while wearing incredibly dorky masks. That said, Anonymous, we're terrified of you, and please don't hurt us.
3. This Guy - Couple of payments behind on your mortgage? Got a $30 overdraft fee from your ATM? Psh, what an amateur. Meet Jerome Kerviel, whose $6.3 billion (that's billion, with a "b") debt to the French bank Societe Generale officially makes him the most indebted person on the planet. Basically, Kerviel would have to make the movie Titanic three times in a row just to get his bank account back to $0. Luckily, he doesn't have to start paying it off until he's released from prison in 2015, so at least he has the next three years to think of a constructive solution, like finding 10 friends to help him rob a casino, or hanging himself in his jail cell.
2. Sam Worthington - The Avatar and Clash of the Titans star was arrested in Atlanta this weekend on the set of his new film, Clash of the Drunk Celebrity With A Very Annoyed Bartender. Worthington, a.k.a. "That guy who was in every single movie two years ago and then vanished off the face of the Earth," went to jail, but was later bailed out by a seven-foot blue alien with the voice of Sigourney Weaver.
1. The Northeast - Apparently New York and New Jersey are not out of the woods — or the sand, mud, water, darkness, and general weather-related misery — just yet. Meteorologists say a Nor'easter could bring more high winds to the area by Wednesday, which should be just in time for you to start leading some semblance of a normal life again. While it won't be another Sandy-level disaster, it does feel like nature is a middle school bully who just pushed the Northeast in a swimming pool and is now gleefully shooting it with a Super Soaker. On the other hand, now you have an excuse to crawl back under the kitchen table and finish that last can of recently expired creamed corn.
Sources: Chase Mitchell