5. Mitt Romney - "Mitt who?" you ask. Exactly. It's been only two weeks since the election and Mitt "Sour Grapes" Romney is already vanishing into obscurity faster than the Gangnam Style guy, and with considerably less rhythm. Romney's most recent attempt to stay relevant fell flat when he whined that Obama won the election by giving "gifts" to minority groups — comments that now have his former Republican friends distancing themselves from him like rats fleeing a sinking 300-foot yacht. Time for Mitt to read our new book, They're Just Not That Into You And Never Were Because Frankly You Were An Extremely Lackluster Candidate.
4. San Francisco Nudists - Bad news for aging hippies who look like they were kicked out of ZZ Top in the middle of taking a shower —The City Of Literally Every Kind Of Love may be getting a little more conservative soon, thanks to a proposed ban on public nudity. The bill would prohibit anyone over the age of 5 from "exposing his or her genitals, perineum or anal region on any public street, sidewalk, street median, parklet or plaza," which marks the first time we've heard a piece of proposed legislation that specifically mentioned taints. Of course, if the government Dong Nazis do pass this law, nudists can always take a page from the Prohibition-era handbook by getting naked in cool, private places, like dressing rooms and showers.
3. Twlight Fans - For one last time, thousands of screaming Edward and Jacob fanatics left their cats some extra food, set House Hunters to DVR, stood in a horrendously long line, and paid good money to watch the last two hours of Stephanie Meyer's Diary: The Movie. But what comes after the hangover of sparkly teen vampires? Glistening tween hobbits? Sweaty, middle-aged centaurs? Twilight fans must feel as empty, depressed and alone as they've felt, well, since before the Twilight series started.
2. PETA - Ah, The Hobbit films. Truly a must-see if you're passionate about grand, sweeping vistas of New Zealand's beautiful countryside; thrilling, epic adventure stories; or piles of murdered animals. Reports from sources on the film's set state that dangerous conditions such as bluffs, sinkholes, and broken fences resulted in the deaths of as many as 27 creatures. And that's not even counting the 16 live rabbits Peter Jackson threw screaming into his gaping maw. If you think PETA is mad about this, just wait until they see that the dragon at the end of the movie is just a dog with wings duct-taped to it.
1. Taylor Swift - Rumors are swirling that Swift, fresh off of dumping a Kennedy (which, to be fair, is one of the least tragic things to ever happen to a Kennedy), is now dating One Directioner Harry Styles. Naturally, these completely unsubstantiated claims have resulted in horrifying deluge of death threats from clinically insane One Direction fans, who are basically 11-year-old versions of the zombies from 28 Days Later with Twitter accounts. We just hope Swift's "surprised face" when she's assaulted in a parking garage by a rabid tween is more convincing than her "I just won my 83rd American Music Award" face. Of course, the real victim here is Styles, who is probably having an entire album written about him as we speak.
Sources: Chase Mitchell