5. Miss America. More like Miss India Hyphen America, am I right? Well, I'm right if you ask thousands of racist Twitter users, who freaked out after Miss New York, Nina Davuluri, was declared Miss America last night. In a marked contrast to previous years, viewers themselves were the most ridiculously outdated and horrifying part of the pageant as they berated Miss Davuluri for her Indian heritage. The hilarious sexism of the competition faded into the background, and viewers made it clear that if we were going to pick a prettiest, skinniest, purest woman in America, she should also be blonde or at least be able to trace her background back to the Mayflower.


4. New York City tourists. The NYPD has once again proven that they aren't afraid to stand in the line of fake fire and shoot a few civilians by accident. On Saturday night, a man was causing a disturbance near Times Square by running through traffic (like you do) and making a motion as if he was about to shoot at police. Officers real-fired back and hit two innocent bystanders, a 54-year-old woman and a 35-year-old woman, neither of whom had life-threatening injuries. The NYPD: Courtesy, Professionalism, Poor Aim. (Hey-o.)


3. Beyonce, who got pulled offstage by a fan. An overexcited-to-the-point-of-psychosis fan pulled Beyonce offstage during a concert in Sao Paulo, Brazil yesterday. And Beyonce, because she is a queen, pulled herself up and finished the damn song. It's becoming increasingly tempting to find out what would actually make Beyonce stop singing. We know she'll keep singing if her hair gets caught in a fan. So what could stop her? Clearly, neither type of fan would do it. I'm not saying we should experiment, I'm just speculating. A bulldozer? She'd probably just climb to the top of it and look hot while doing it.


2. Flight attendants in Beijing. The LA Times is reporting today that huge flight delays in China are leading to "airport brawls in which stools become projectiles and irate passengers smash telephones and computers." The number of air passengers in China has quadrupled in the last 10 years. But the ruling party has been slow to change air traffic control rules that might make air travel flow more easily than a stool on its way to becoming a projectile. Naturally, airport staff are bearing the brunt of passengers' outrage, because one way in which China is just like America is that they blame lower-level officials instead of the higher-ups who are actually responsible for problems. Say, why not outsource those shitty airport jobs to the United States? We'll take any jobs we can get!


1. Anyone whose friends didn't see this week's Breaking Bad yet. Okay. Okay. Deep breaths. It's just. Seriously, this was like the most amazing episode ever. Because first, you're like, oh my god. And then that thing happens that no one can ever undo! Gah! And then, I mean, then, the other thing. And it's like, whoa. Whoa. You know? No, sorry, right, I know. You don't know. You didn't see it yet. But seriously, you are killing me here. Please, please go watch it so we can freak out together. There are spoilers eating me up from the inside. Best. Episode. Ever.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)