5. Guys who have to spend more time each year in underwater cages. The Discovery Channel's Shark Week kicks off this week, and the public's hunger for sharks is greater than ever! Unfortunately, sharks' hunger for humans is also greater than ever, which is bad news for the guys in underwater cages whose job it is to film them for your brief entertainment. Tonight's ratings will let them know they're going to have to spend even more hours just millimeters away from being mauled by a great white.

 

4. A-Rod. Amid evidence of steroid use—some of which happened even after apologizing for steroid use in 2009—and his involvement with PED-pushing clinic Biogenesis, Alex Rodriguez faces a 50 game suspension that will mean he misses the entire 2014 season. Of course, he already missed the entire 2013 season because he was on the disabled list, so now he'll have extra time to get better from whatever is wrong this time. A-Rod says he thinks he has 5 more years in him, but why anyone would believe anything he says anymore is beyond me. Let's all just be happy this is the guy they're making an example out of.

 

3. Anyone who recently took advantage of bottomless salad at The Olive Garden and is now being taking advantage of by bottomless diarrhea. Being too cheap to go out to a real Italian restaurant has come back to bite some people in the ass, figuratively speaking but also sort of literally. Officials have traced a cyclospora outbreak to Iowa and Nebraska Olive Gardens and Red Lobsters, both of which get their salad mixes from Taylor Farms de Mexico, the Mexican branch of a California-based farm company. Olive Garden is thinking about making their new slogan, "When you're here, you're fine, but once you get home you're going to start shitting your brains out."

 

2. Passengers on a poop-and-vomit-filled Qantas flight from Chile to Australia. Yes, we have two poop and vomit stories for you today, folks! Because we care. This one comes shooting out of Chile, where 26 Australian teens returning from a trip all caught a digestive bug and then suffered through a 13-hour flight together. Just imagine being one of the suffering briefly denied access to one of the plane's 10 bathrooms. Or worse, being a non-sick passenger who simply needed to pee. Or worse, just being on that or any plane ever, because air travel is the worst.

 

1. Foiled Al Qaeda operatives who have to reschedule for next week. U.S. embassies in about 20 countries in North Africa and the Middle East will remain closed through August 10, after which Al Qaeda operatives should feel free to give whatever terror attacks they were planning a shot. Of course, then they won't be able to use G's car because he has to pick up his sister at the airport, and T's going to be at his beach house by then, and M's mom will only let him store explosive devices in the garage until Wednesday. All of which was part of the "chatter" savvy U.S. agents picked up on the wire.

(by Shira Rachel Danan)