5. Miley Cyrus, whom we all simultaneously decided to no longer reward for her provocative outfits and oversexed dancing. That's it, Miley! You crossed the line this time, young lady. Of course, there was no way for you to know this was going to be the line, since we've all been pretty supportive of your transformation from Disney Channel golden child to twerking, crotch-grabbing adult up until now. We liked the foam finger stuff, and the tongue action, but the moment you started grinding with Robin Thicke, that was it. That was the moment when we stopped liking you. All of us. We didn't even have to talk about it. We just knew. Don't despair! Now that you're an out-of-contol star whose fame has gotten to her head, you have so many opportunities for redemption! I recommend a brief but very public affair with a married man twice your age, followed by a drug problem (maybe salvia? That'd be a unique angle), trips to rehab, at least four DUIs, and then of course an epiphany and gradual return to our open arms and hearts. See you in two to five years!
4. Lady Gaga, because her overt nudity and sexuality at the VMAs don't upset anyone anymore. Snore. We're all so familiar with the appearance of her ass that it would be more shocking if Lady Gaga appeared at the VMAs fully clothed at this point. No, it wouldn't. Because nothing Lady Gaga does is remotely surprising anymore. Hardly anyone is talking about Gaga's buns today, but we can't stop talking about Miley's (mostly) covered tuchas. When Miley does it, it seems like the bizarre behavior of a child star with a bad manager, and we can't wait to see how this plays out. But when Lady Gaga does it, you assume she has some sort of agenda, that she's making a statement about beauty or sexuality or objectification because she's an artist or whatever. Bo-ring!
3. Donald Trump, of Trump University. New York State is suing Donald Trump for $40 million (a.k.a. the cost of a single golden hair plug) after information came to light that his Trump University was charging students thousands of dollars essentially to stand next to Trump and get their photos taken. Students were often left without job prospects and in worse shape than before, which kind of sounds like normal college, but sure. Trump claims this is all an attempt by Attorney General Eric Schneiderman to get back at him for not donating enough to Schneiderman's campaign. Also, Trump now calls the university the Trump Entrepreneur Initiative, which if possible, sounds like an even bigger crock of shit than Trump University. I say we let anyone who chose to attend Mr. Trump's institute of liar education (See what I did there?) go bankrupt.
2. Anyone who was hoping there might still be trees in Yosemite next summer. The number of places to go on a family road trip are rapidly decreasing, and the news out of Yosemite indicates last summer might have been a good time to check the place out. Now, there's a fire the size of Chicago raging, and it threatens to cut off San Francisco's power and water supply. Whether started by humans or just God playing with his giant magnifying glass again, these wildfires always seem to bring into focus just how helpless we are in the face of pretty much everything. On the plus side, this might help with the coming bear revolution. Okay fine, there's no plus side.
1. Everyone being quizzed today on summer reading they didn't do. Children are our future, so it's important they start learning now how to bullshit on pop quizzes. Sure, they had all summer to tackle their summer reading lists, and yes, they left it until the drive to the first day of school, but they shouldn't be punished. The only reason children are given summer reading lists is to prepare them for a lifetime of procrastination and last-minute ass-covering. So kids, take out your notebooks and pens and write 100 words that make it seem like you read The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, even though all you did was catch the last 15 minutes of Tom and Huck while hopped up on popsicle sugar one Saturday afternoon. You're showing a lot of promise.
(by Shira Rachel Danan)