5. Paula Deen. Paula Deen must feel lower than a Victoza-user's blood sugar after the Food Network decided last Friday not to renew her contract. But we think the Southern lady should view this as an opportunity. She can finally launch the Antebellum Food Network, and get everyone from the regular Food Network to come over and host racist versions of their current programs. Who wouldn't watch the Barefoot Slave with Ina Garten? Or Giada on the Plantation with Giada DeLaurentiis? Or Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives with Guy Fieri?
4. The journalists stuck on Edward Snowden's 12-hour flight from Moscow to Cuba, without Edward Snowden. Long international flights are never fun. But we imagine they're even worse when you only boarded the plane in the first place because you were hoping for a chance to interview a whistleblower who never got on the flight. Edward Snowden was allegedly going to be on a flight from Moscow to Cuba on his way to seek asylum in Ecuador after he allegedly flew from Hong Kong to Moscow. Lots of alleged journalists allegedly bought tickets, too, (okay, fine, they really did) hoping to get an interview. Now they're still on the plane to Havana, and Snowden may or may not still be in Moscow. Too bad it wasn't a Dreamliner or it probably never would have even taken off.
3. Rich people who just want to fly in a fancy plane. Why do we want the Dreamliner to succeed even though we can probably never afford to fly on one? It's because of what the Boeing jet represents: the promise of a better day, when the sanity of passengers isn't treated as an afterthought, and everyone's personal TVs work, and complimentary neck pillows are lined with silk, and the guy next to you smells only faintly of B.O. But after a United flight made an emergency landing Sunday, the third Dreamliner mechanical problem in six days, our expectations are pretty low. On the plus side, melting these down would sure give us a lot of scrap metal for the war!
2. Silvio Berlusconi. It's a rough week for notorious philanderers—*cough* Mad Men spoiler *cough*. Everyone's second-favorite former Italian prime minister (after Antonio Salandra, obvi!) was convicted of abusing his power and having sex with an underage dancer nicknamed "Ruby the heart-stealer." He was sentenced to seven years in prison, which sounds rough, but should give him plenty of time to paint puppies and himself showering until public opinion is once again on his side.
1. Anyone not in the direct path of air-conditioning right now. Yay, summer is finally here in the form of a heat wave! Time for fresh produce, lazy days by the pool, and chafing in various areas we'd rather not mention. That's right: summer sucks balls. It sucks just as hard as the uncomfortably chilly days of spring and the slushy, freezing days of winter. The only season that doesn't suck is fall. When fall comes, everything will be better. In the meantime, dead baby birds everywhere.