5 people having a worse Monday than you.
5. Anyone who cares about the real meaning of Cinco de Mayo. Happy Cinco de Mayo, everyone! This most-important Mexican holiday celebrates Mexican national independence from watery margaritas as well as the international human right to stuff your face with nachos! Many years ago, during the Battle of Puebla, the Mexican army defeated French forces by replacing all of their water with Corona in the middle of the night. The French couldn't tell the difference, so they accidentally got wasted, and everyone spent the night wearing sombreros and vomiting up chicken fajitas behind the bar. And that is why we still celebrate Cinco de Mayo today, at least according to most Americans celebrating the holiday. —SRD
4. Justin Bieber, if he cares what Seth Rogen thinks of him. There aren't many people in whose opinions Justin Bieber is probably interested. To be fair, the little bastard grew up on YouTube, which doesn't really give you respect for other people's comments. That being said, he's exactly the right age to have had Seth Rogen's movies be the movies of his formative years. Combined, they're probably one of Canada's most valuable exports to the United States. So hopefully when Rogen went on Howard Stern and unleashed an obscenity-laden tirade about how much he hates Bieber (and how pleasurable it is to hate him), the words penetrated the invincible douche-armor that has so far kept the "singer" oblivious to how sick of him everyone is. Then again, it was pretty great when the Biebs ran into Toronto Mayor Rob Ford at a nightclub and asked if he had any crack. —JMC
3. Everyone flying coach. Etihad Airways, the state airline of the United Arab Emirates, has found a new way to make you feel poor and unimportant. They just got in their first A380s (the big-ass planes that make 747s look like Happy Meal toys), and the top deck is a playground for the very rich. While the bottom deck holds 417 poors in cramped conditions, that top floor will hold 70 rich people in luxurious "Business Studios," which resemble most airlines' first-class amenities, plus 9 super-rich people who will get "First-Class Apartments" that resemble high-class train carriages from the 19th Century. Finally, two very, very, very rich people will be able to buy tickets for The Residences, which is basically a flying hotel room complete with a butler, gold cutlery, limo transport and private check-in, not to mention a double bed and your own private shower. For the 8-hour flight from Abu Dhabi to London, that'll run you about twenty grand, or about $2500 an hour. Meanwhile, that'll be $9 for your snack box. —JMC
2. Rhode Island children who went to the circus this weekend. The circus! It's the greatest show on earth if you don't care much for animal rights and aren't afraid of imprinting terrifying images on your child's brain forever. A bunch of kids went from squealing excitement to screaming terror yesterday in Providence, Rhode Island, when a group of 8 female circus performers plunged to the ground. They were performing a feat called the "human chandelier," where they were suspended by their hair in a circle high above the stage. When the hair-suspending device failed, the women fell about 30 feet to the ground, suffering broken bones and other injuries. Their wounds will heal. The children watching will never recover. —SRD
1. Anyone with a healthy fear of sharks. Meet the Goblin Shark. It's so called because it's horrifying. It looks like someone asked H.R. Giger and H.P. Lovecraft to team up and create one creature, and they crossed a demon with a shark with a giant sperm and then strapped a bayonet to its forehead. It generally hangs out in very deep water, and it's considered the most ancient of shark species. Sightings are extremely rare, but one occurred this weekend when shrimp fishermen accidentally caught a huge adult (18 FEET LONG) in the Gulf of Mexico. Then they released it, and it swam away. That's correct: it's still out there, and now it has a beef with mankind. —JMC