5. Crack smoking (allegedly!) Toronto Mayor Rob Ford. Apparently, Canadians really are friendly to everybody, even crack dealers who covertly video record them smoking the crack they sold them. Gawker is presently trying to raise $200,000 to buy a video that reportedly shows Toronto Mayor Rob Ford smoking crack, calling it the Rob Ford Crackstarter. We knew nothing of Ford before last week because, well, Canada. Now we know he's apparently a corrupt, violent bigot, and the only reason we know that today is because Rob Ford smoked crack, something that makes the whole world pay attention. Remember, adults, don't do drugs if you're in public office (kids, do what you want).
4. This kid. A couple weeks ago, Aftab Aslam was a kid who failed his college English class. This week, he's a kid who is charged with making a false report, false statements, and tampering with evidence, who still failed his college English class. Aslam faked his own kidnapping then camped out for a week in an undeveloped area of Georgia, all to avoid telling his parents about the failing grade. When it got too cold, he went home and fessed up. Congrats to Aslam's parents for making their kid so scared of getting a bad grade that he'd disappear into the woods to avoid their wrath. (HuffPo)
3. People who don't want their endless stream of animated GIFs and late-to-the-game memes to be corporatized. Yahoo! is buying Tumblr for $1.1 billion in cash, so the world's number one source of animated GIFs, My Little Pony fan art, and still-image pornography will now come under the spell of that special Yahoo! magic. In other words, it will be irrelevant within the year.
2. Obama opponents who were hoping his trifecta of non-sex-or-drugs related scandals would affect his poll numbers. After what many were calling Obama's toughest week in office, a recent poll shows that Americans care less about the IRS targeting conservative groups, the Justice Department collecting AP phone records, and the White House's handling of Benghazi than they do a Canadian Mayor getting high with his crack dealers. While Americans polled did say those were important, the number of people who approve of the President's job stayed the same. It even improved since early April, though the improvement falls within the margin of error. Until someone videotapes the President smoking rocks he bought with the tax dollars paid by targeted Tea Party groups, Americans are going to have a tough time getting worked up about it. (CNN)
1. The Floridian who made the mistake of buying that winning Powerball ticket. You don't give a near-$600 million jackpot to a Floridian! Lottery winners don't usually do well with their lottery winnings. And Florida residents do not need a lot of money to stage a flamemout of epic proportions. Most of the time they can do it with nothing more than a riding lawnmower, a bag of crank, and their own nudity. We're not rooting for the winner's downfall, but they will defy a lot of odds if they make it to 2015 without becoming the subject of the greatest Fark headline of all time. Hang in their, multi-millionaire, and we'll be hitting you up for a loan real soon.