5. Jews. Observant Jews and Jews whose parents are making them are about to embark on a week of eating a food that has become synonymous with cardboard. Tonight marks the beginning of Passover, a holiday that celebrates the exodus of the Jewish slaves from Egypt so that they could be free to choose to eat a cracker that looks and tastes like it has been intentionally burned. During the week of Passover, Jews don't eat bread or any other delicious, leavened foods. But 51 weeks of the year, free people choose bagels.

 

4. Amanda Knox. It was the trial of the century. Or at least the decade. Or at least the most convoluted trial of those few years while it lasted. After being convicted, appealing the verdict, and then being acquitted, Amanda Knox, the American who was suspected of murdering her roommate while studying abroad in Italy, is now facing a retrial. In Italy, unlike the United States, a person can be retried for the same crime after they are acquitted, which means many of our courtroom drama movie plots wouldn't work at all if they were set there. It also means Knox probably wouldn't be turned over to the Italian authorities if there is a new trial. But come on, can't Italy let bygones be extremely profitable memoirs?

 

3. San Diego State. Losing sucks. But it sucks harder if you're a 7-seed team that loses to the first 15-seed to make it to the Sweet 16. And it sucks even more if that team sounds like it was made up last week. Florida Gulf Coast University? Were all of the good Florida university names taken? Be sure to keep an eye out for Florida Gulf Coast (mascot: the Plantar Warts—sorry fellas, it was the only mascot left) in our weekly feature: 5 NCAA underdogs who can't possibly keep this up.

 

2. Whoever lost of a vial of a deadly virus at a Texas laboratory. Officials don't want us to be alarmed that someone in a Galveston lab had a little brain fart and misplaced a vial of a virus that causes hemorrhagic fever. So just relax, okay? Try not to think about the fact that basically anyone could have gotten their hands on it by now and could at this very moment be crushing open the vial with a black studded boot in the middle of Grand Central Terminal. There's no need to panic just because you may soon die from internal bleeding. Remain calm and try not to breathe in.

 

1. Powerball losers. Someone in Passaic, New Jersey purchased the $338 million winning Powerball ticket—the fourth largest Powerball jackpot ever—and it wasn't you. It wasn't anyone you know, either. You're not seeing any Powerball money. Ever. That's because the chance of winning the Powerball jackpot is, and always will be, 1 in 175 million. Those are the same odds that $338 million will fall out of the clear blue sky into your lap. Oh well. Take comfort in the fact that whoever the winner is, he or she lives in Passaic, New Jersey.