5 people having a worse Monday than you.
5. Republicans who suddenly have to force themselves to embrace the predictions of Nate Silver. Nate Silver's Five Thirty-Eight website, which predicted the 2012 election without getting a single state wrong, just announced his prediction that the GOP is likely to retake the Senate in 2014. In the long leadup to 2012, Silver consistently predicted an Obama reelection, and pundits on the right consistently called him a charlatan who was manipulating stats to match his own leanings. Those same pundits will most likely be going on TV tonight, forcing themselves to tout Silver's genius and pretend they were always big fans. Just not of his "early stuff." (BP)
4. People hoping that Kutchis will fail. Okay, maybe “Kutchis” will never take off, but it seems clear at this point that Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis are in this for the long haul, which means anywhere from four to nine years by Hollywood standards. So to those of you angry with Ashton Kutcher over the way he treated Demi Moore, or because you paid 12 dollars to see Jobs, or you’re just stuck in a loveless or sexless relationship and hate it whenever two attractive, wealthy people fall in love and flaunt it in front of the whole world, instead of wasting time worrying about what Kutchis are up to, you should try looking in the mirror and asking yourself why you never formed a bond with a costar on on a hugely popular sitcom. (JC)
3. Fans of the satirical speed metal band Gwar. Though it might be easy to dismiss fans of a band with album titles like This Toilet Earth and War Party as being incapable of feeling sadness or loss, that’s exactly what the people who loved Gwar are feeling today after learning that founder and frontman Dave Brockie was found dead at his home in Virginia. The band he fronted was so laughably offensive in every imaginable way, it was apparent that there was a method to Brockie’s madness and that he was clearly an intelligent guy who was obviously in on the joke. (JC)
2. Maria Menounos. Even if the rumors of her being out as co-host on Extra turn out to be false, it still has to suck waking up to find out that Page Six is reporting you’re being fired because you can’t get along with Mario Lopez. Because that’s often how these things start - one host doesn’t like the other host so they try to get them fired, and if they can’t get them fired, they have their people plant stories in Page Six about them getting fired. They start getting paranoid, have trouble sleeping, maybe start drinking more than they normally would. Before you know it, they look like crap, start flubbing their lines after showing up late to the set, until they end up actually getting fired. So whether or not she gets fired today, things are going to be pretty awkward on the set of Extra. (JC)
1. Cable news hosts who can't embarrass themselves with conspiracy theories anymore. Things couldn't have turned out worse for supposedly-respectable anchors who gave valuable air time to the dumbest and most inappropriate theories about what befell the Malaysian airlines flight that is now known to have almost certainly ended in tragedy. Don Lemon most memorably entertained speculation on whether the plane could have been sucked up by a small black hole passing by (his panel decided it was exceedingly unlikely). And just this morning, Joe Scarborough had his hat handed to him this morning by his cohost Mika Brzezinski, who took him to "journalism school" over the platform he was giving to these nutty theories. Of course, let's not forget that the networks in general, and especially CNN, will now have to find another way to fill up 20+ hours of their news cycle. (JM)