Bonus points for rolling around in grass in white pants.
Julie Tremmel of Providence, R.I.'s WJAR local news is here to help you survive. Watch and learn how to make bears so utterly bewildered by your behavior that they'll forget they're even hungry. The tips are easy:
1. Avoid Eye Contact. Instead, look over the bear's shoulder with a look that says, "Oh God, my ex just walked in with his new girlfriend."
When the bear turns around to see the happy couple, throw your drink in the bear's face and run.
2. Maintain Jazz Hands At All Times.
Bears loathe Fosse.
3. Just surrender to the instinct of the forest's natural rhythms.
Bears are lovers of physical expression, and they wouldn't dare harm someone lost in the throes of mother nature's choreography.
4. Tell the bear a secret and make him promise to never tell anyone ever.
Now you have the bear's trust.
5. Show the bear you're comfortable enough around it to take off your shoes and just kick back.
Be like, "Fuck these heels. Let's just change into sweats and chill, bear."
6. Curl up in the fetal position and weep.
The bear will rub your back and say, "What's wrong?" Tell the bear, "You wouldn't understand." The bear will say, "I'd like to try. Maybe I can help." Yell, "Stop trying to fix everything!" The bear will feel helpless and frustrated. Knowing that you need your space, he'll give you your space by going off to find some people at a campsite to maul.
When you discover the bear has gone you'll worry that you were maybe too hard on it. But don't worry. If the bear really cares, he'll come back to you.
Here's the full segment on NBC 10:
(By Bob Powers)