12. You’re doing it wrong: Getting Trapped In A Meat Locker With That Coworker At Your Restaurant Job Who You’re Attracted To, Just So You Can Huddle Together To Keep Warm Which Will Then Lead To Sex Or At Least Pre-Sex

The sitcoms lied to you. Getting trapped in a meat locker or refrigerated room is dangerous and should never be done, no matter how much you want to cuddle with that hot new guy on the wait staff who has a girlfriend but who admitted that they were on the outs. If once you’re in there he says he has to stay loyal to his girlfriend, you could both get hypothermia just so he can be true.

If you like him, be direct and let him know. Confidence is always sexier than dying in a room full of frozen beef!


13. You’re doing it wrong: Insurance Fires

Business going downhill, so you’re thinking of starting a fire and making off with the insurance money, right? Who’s gonna know?

The fire inspector, that’s who. If it looks like it was intentional, he’ll know. That’s why you need to frame someone for it.

Pick an enemy. Someone who would have an interest in destroying your American dream of being a small business owner. After you light your business on fire, break into his house and leave matches and lighters and Blu Rays of the movie “Backdraft” all over his house. The police will know they got their guy, you’ll put someone you don’t like in jail for years, and you’ll still get that sweet insurance payout!


14. You’re doing it wrong: Refusing To Reconcile With Shannon

It was so long ago. How many times does she have to apologize before you let her back into your life. Jesus, we’re here on this planet for such a short time, and we’re growing more and more detached from each other with every day. By going out of your way to maintain a distance from someone you really love, you’re just refusing happiness and choosing spite. Call her.


15. You’re doing it wrong: Karate Chops

Sensei say never use Karate to solve a dispute. You learn Karate so you don’t have to use Karate.

Great. Thanks for charging me a couple grand for lessons in something I’m not supposed to use, Sensei.

Look, you learned how to fuck up dudes with your hands so you can fuck up dudes with your hands. Take those hands to the roughest bar in town and bump into a dude at the pool table while he’s trying to sink the 8-ball. He’ll take a swing, you’ll unleash the dragon. You paid for Karate school. Time to get your money’s worth.


16. You’re doing it wrong: Smiling And/Or Frowning

Never let them see what's inside your heart. They'll use it to hurt you. Hide your feelings and they'll be yours forever.


17. You’re doing it wrong: Thinking There's A Right Way And A Wrong Way To Do Things

Like we said at the start, imperfection is beautiful. Mistakes are how we learn to make better mistakes. The life you've lived and the way you lived it is who you are. If you find yourself at the end of your life remembering all the things you could have done differently, guess what?

You're doing it wrong.