6. You’re doing it wrong: Washing Dishes


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7. You’re doing it wrong: Building A Totem In Fealty To The Dark Lord Satan

You probably think you have to drink the goat’s blood after you’ve sprinkled some of it upon the runes in order for your soul to use the totem as a conduit between yourself and the dark world. Not true, and also, gross. 

If you simply mix the blood with a virgin’s tears, and you wear the mixture in an amulet close to your heart for one month, the bond is formed and His Eminent Darkness will gladly claim your soul for His keeping, duh.


8. You’re doing it wrong: Sleeping All Day (Cats Only)

If you’re a cat, you probably think you should sleep all day. No, you should take breaks from sleeping to check for burglars. A growing number of burglaries happen during the day, when the house’s occupants are working, because burglars know if a house’s occupants have jobs to go to, the stuff inside the house is going to be pretty good because they can afford it. You’re their only hope against burglaries, cats (okay, dogs help sometimes). Wake up and hiss at anyone wearing a ski mask who smells devious.


9. You’re doing it wrong: Fighting With A Lover

Lovers often keep their quarrels private, because they think it will bother others. Incorrect. You should always fight with your lover in public, preferably in the street, and in the rain.

It makes everyone listening feel good. Lovers in love who never fight will think, “We love better than they do.” Lovers in love who fight all the time will think, “See, all lovers do this. It’s not us. It’s just love.” Lonely people who aren’t in love will think, “I guess love isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I’m going to stay in and watch every episode of Firefly on Amazon Prime again.” So many people feel a little better because you two flipped out at each other over something. Take it to the streets!


10. You’re doing it wrong: Apprehending Bail Jumpers

Bounty hunters usually try and track down bail jumpers at the home of their significant other because bail jumpers get lonely. So the bounty hunter bursts in with guns drawn and lots of shouting. But bail jumpers are onto that scheme and they know to avoid their lover’s apartment. What to do?

You draw more flies with honey than vinegar. Find out what the bail jumper went to jail for, then place an ad offering that thing for free. If they stole a stereo, post “Free Stereo” on craigslist. If they got caught with drugs, the ad should read, “Free drugs. The good stuff.” If they were willing to go to jail for the thing, they’ll totally respond to an ad offering that thing for free. When they show up to the hotel room you told them to go to, cuff em!


11. You’re doing it wrong: Blowing Out Birthday Candles.

Bet you usually blow out birthday candles like this: Make a wish, take a deep breath, then expel all that air slowly and steadily enough to get every candle on the cake.


The way to blow out birthday candles is to take that deep breath just like you do, then when you’re ready, let the air fly slowly and steadily, as you’re used to. The key is to leave off the make-a-wish part, because there is no order to life and the fact that you even exist is a completely random blip in a vast featureless void of nothing.