In light of the now weeks-long reveal of Lindsay Lohan’s purported celebrity fuck list published by In Touch, you might be wondering if you should be keeping one for yourself. Are sex lists just for the rich and famous? Or should unwanted nobodies like you and me also be keeping them?
Anyone can keep a fuck list, and everyone should. They aren’t just for the erotic elite like Lindsay Lohan. Ordinary people with body types ranging from average to humorous should also have a scrap of paper on them at all times, listing the names of any and every partner they vaguely remember doing sex on. Here’s why:
The days of “Tell us what things were like during the war, Grampa” are long gone. For one thing, your grandkids are never going to have to ask that because America’s never not going to be at war. For another, future generations of grandkids are going to need a little more spice from your stories if you want to hold their attention during a nursing home visit. These kids are being raised on Flappy Bird and Snapchat. They’re going to want to hear about who you banged, and they’re going to want names. You’re probably going to be able to remember one or two of the big ones, but most of the sex you’ve had wasn’t exactly scrapbook-worthy. Think you’ll be able to keep all those names in the noggin when you’re 80? Make the list now. You can even frame it and pass it down as an heirloom.
“I’m sorry detective but I couldn’t have strangled Old Lady Collins on the Saturday in question. It says right here that I was having intercourse in the unisex bathroom of a pool hall with a man named Kevin.” Present that in the police station and you’ll immediately walk with an apology for wasting your time. Fuck lists have gotten more people acquitted of felony charges than any other kind of list. It's only a matter of time before the Innocence Project begins using them to overturn wrongful convictions.
You keep a record of your driving mileage for your tax records, why not keep a record of bedroom mileage? Physical intimacy isn’t achieved without at least the occasional dinner, so the taxman isn’t going to question your entertainment expenses if he sees you had seventeen partners in the third fiscal quarter of 2010. Prove that you discussed business at any point during the sex and you can write off everything from the drinks beforehand to the cab home after.
As A Reminder Of When Your Romantic Life Wasn’t A Featureless Expanse Of Scorched Earth
We all go through dry spells during which we forget that we’ve ever felt the touch of another. No better time to pull out the old Fuck List and take a trip down memory lane. “Oh, yeah,” you’ll think. “There have been times when I did more than repel others.” Hang on to the phone numbers and you can make a few inquiries to see if anyone’s up for some ‘nostalgia play.’
Just In Case You Do Become Famous
Sure, you’re not famous now, but it’s so easy to become famous that it could happen at any moment. What if someone uploads a video of you falling down in a life-threatenig and humiliating manner and you become a global YouTube sensation? Or suppose you get into domestic terrorism or something else headline-worthy? Not only will people want to see your Fuck List, you’ll have to keep In Touch stringers from rooting through your garbage trying to find it. At that point you could sell the names and make a pretty penny, which will come in handy for your legal defense/rehab/other thing famous people need.
Because Why Keep It A Secret?
You catalog everything else about your life on Facebook and Twitter, and the stuff you don’t share the NSA already knows. It’s not even your Fuck List, anymore. It’s our Fuck List. We all have a right to know, and it’s your duty to put pen to paper and get down those names.
(by Bob Powers)