I bet this wasn't what he was hoping for. You never know, though. People are weird. (via)
Lian Tien, 61, of Quanzhou City in Fujian Province, China, says "I was painting the wall in the nude" in his apartment on a really warm day. All that heat and paint and sweat made for a terrible combination, because "I slipped on the floor, causing my private parts to fall inside the pipe that was protruding from the wall to take water outside from my air conditioning unit. Unfortunately, I got stuck as a result."
It's also unfortunate that he didn't leave his air conditioner hooked up to all the correct pipes, or else maybe he wouldn't have been so hot that he needed to paint naked, or at least there wouldn't have been that open pipe just looking to snag any passing genitals.
As you can tell by his home painting activities, Mr. Tien is a handyman of sorts, and attempted to fix the problem himself. He removed the pipe from the wall, "and tried pouring oil and liquid soap down the sides, but my manhood was so tightly wedged that nothing dripped down." In English, this is what we call a humblebrag.
Another virtue of painting is the practice of patience, so Mr. Tien decided it was best to sleep on the matter and see what happened. "I went to sleep thinking if I relaxed it would slide off, but it didn't. It began to get red and inflamed. I was worried that I would get a terrible infection."
Mr. Tien later told reporters that he "did not think people would believe" him and his story, but it ended up being more than disbelief: doctors didn't even know what to do with the man who came in with a pipe hanging off of himself, and eventually called in firefighters to saw it off.
Fittingly, the operation took exactly the amount of time we have all come to associate with unexpected phallic emergencies: four hours.
Several media outlets reporting this story compared it to that of the British clergyman who, in 2008, was hanging curtains when he "fell backwards onto a potato" and had to have it removed from his anus. Then there's our own list of people who have been caught having sex with objects they should not have been sexing upon. People! Gotta love 'em.
(by Johnny McNulty)