by Dan Abromowitz

Yesterday the U.S. Supreme Court ruled in a 5-4 decision that the Hobby Lobby corporation was not obligated under the Affordable Care Act to cover contraceptives such as IUDs or birth control for their employees. What those outraged by the decision don't seem to realize, though, is that a full range of DIY contraceptive devices are readily available in any Hobby Lobby location to any employee with the know-how to make them work, and at bargain prices to boot. Here's just a sampling:

Baby Plaster Casting Kit

What could be more powerful for preventing a baby than a kit meant to carve that baby into history's flesh for all time? After all, the strength of any magic rests in the magnitude of its defiance of God and fate, and contraception is definitely magic. With the included make-a-mold casting plaster and molding bag, you'll have no trouble creating an impenetrable plaster vulval mold to seal off your reproductive nook until your wedding night.

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Blue, Green, & Brown Colored Pupil Wiggle Eyes

The penetrating gaze of these paste-on wiggle eyes stops penetration in its tracks! Slap a couple dozen pretty peepers around your fertile crescent to make any too-enterprising suitor shout "Jeepers Creepers!" as he finds himself staring down a fucking nightmare.

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Mushroom Soft Secret Yarn

Swaddle his soft secret mushroom in a tightly-crocheted koozie to stanch worrisome emissions right at the source! Latex is so impersonal, but nothing says "I (would like to make inconsequential) love (to) you" like a hand-stitched condom. Plus, this gross old-bagel color could work with any number of races and skin tones, if you squint some. There's absolutely no way of knowing if a knit condom will work 'til you try it!

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Celebration Shimmer Lavender Pearls Candy

The body's susceptibility to the effects of placebo medication is nothing short of astonishing. Sure, these are clearly labeled as candy, but maybe your stupid body thinks they're progestin. Look, you have no right to get angry with me; I'm actually trying to provide solutions here, and all you're doing is throwing up negativity. Christ, you're hormonal today.

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14" American Flag on Cross

Aw, yeah. Aw, shit, yeah. If hanging one of these bad boys over your gal gulch don't put the fear of God and his boy Christ Jesus in any sperm who come 'round stunting like they're Dale goddamn Earnhardt goddamn Jr., you might as well roll yourself up in an Oriental rug and ship yourself to Thailand, where Faith is just a hooker's name. It's like, did you not notice the other, smaller cross, right there on the big one?