How to take the perfect summer road trip.
With school out and summer in full swing, there's nothing standing between you, your best buds, the open road, and a lifetime of memories. Here's how you can get your road trip in gear and hit cruise control on "fun":
- To save money on car snacks, bring along bee hives or a dairy cow.
- It's not a road trip without mix CDs! Make sure to really scratch the shit out of them for that authentic road trip feel.
- Leave under total secrecy and cover of darkness for that "You're alive!" thrill on your return.
- Whoever's in the passenger seat should always stay alert to assist the driver. Luckily, the cigarette lighter's right at hand for a quick pick-me-up.
- Skip Mount Rushmore, unless you support the patriarchal mutilation of Mother Earth's many stone-boobs.
- Side trips and detours can be some of the most memorable parts of your trip, except for Arkansas' famous Amnesia Caverns. They're a scam.
- To keep track of where you've been, tie a spool of red yarn to your front doorknob and unspool it as you drive.
- For drivetime fun, quote each other your favorite scenes from Britney Spears' Crossroads. Take turns so everyone gets a chance to be Taryn Manning.
- For cheap gas, survey your planned route for large untapped reservoirs of fossil fuels.
- You can do anything you want in a motel room, even forbidden Wicca.
- If you find yourself getting bored on a long stretch of highway, slam your car right into the fucking guardrail. What a rush!
- Skip the chains and taste some local flavor. Instead of Subway, eat a handful of dirt right out of the ground. Yeah, you love it. You love eating dirt.
- Don't forget to bring along a spare tire or 15, dragging behind you on cables lashed to your fender like some kind of Mad Max "Just Married" car.
- If you see a gas station glory hole, go ahead and cram your dick in there. Life is fleeting.
- A trip blog is a super fun project to quickly abandon.
- The intimacy of a car makes it the perfect place to work out long-buried grudges and grievances.
- Just keep going if you think you hit a guy. That's road law.
(Dan Abromowitz doesn't know how to do anything. Follow him on Twitter.)