You'd think with so many fact-checking websites picking apart the transcript of last night's Presidential debate that there wouldn't be a single questionable statement left unverified, but you would be wrong. Here now is our own painstaking fact-check of the debate, in which we take on all those statements by the candidates, and moderator Bob Schieffer, that the other guys let slip through the cracks.

 

Questionable Claim: The audience at the debate took a "vow of silence."

Determination: False. According to our online community-edited encyclopedia, a vow of silence is "a religious vow, usually taken in a monastic context." All of the debates this year have been secular, just as they always have been, save the second GOP primary debate when Rick Santorum insisted the moderator's questions be sprinkled with holy water. While the audience of undecided voters at this last debate did not take a vow of silence, they did agree to keep their mouth-breathing and exclamations of "Why they talkin' 'bout them foreignors s'damn much?" to a minimum.

 

Questionable Claim: A decade from the late 20th century is able to make phone calls and ask questions.

Determination: False. Units of time are unable to use the telephone. The FCC made it illegal in 1976 when the 1950s attempted to make an obscene phone call to the actress Diane Keaton. Additionally, there is no clear way to bill a decade from the past for telephone use since the 1980s would likely balk at paying 2012 usage rates. According to the laws of time-travel, If the 1980s were to demand anything of present-day Mitt Romney, they would have to write their demands on the side of a monument that's not likely to be destroyed, such as the Washington Monument or Philadelphia's "Rocky" statue.

 

Questionable Claim: Israel is our closest friend in the Middle East.

Determination: False. America's closest friend in the Middle East is this guy named Hamesh (see below).

On numerous occasions, Hamesh has picked up America from the airport, he has given America a place to stay when America is in town, and he once stayed up all night just talking and being there for America when America broke up with its grilfriend. Israel is a pretty good friend, but Hamesh is definitely America's bestie.

 

Questionable Claim: President Obama went on an Apology Tour.

Determination: False. After an extensive search of Ticketmaster, Stubhub, and even Brown Paper Tickets, we found no live dates for a Barack Obama "Apology Tour." The only dates we could find were the Barack Obama appearances on several Northeastern dates of last summer's Ozzfest, as well as the month-long workshopping engagement of Barack Obama's comedic one-man show, "Goofball In Chief." 

 

Questionable Claim: America has fewer horses and bayonets than we had in 1916.

Determination: True and False. While it's true that we have fewer bayonets than in 1916 (to be precise, we lost 18 of our bayonets in an intense poker game with Paris in 1951), we actually have far more horses than we did in 1916, thanks to more horses being bred to meet the demands of the mass-produced cat food industry.

That's it for this debate. You have the facts. Now make sure that on Novemeber 6th you go and vote exactly the way you would have if these debates had never even happened.