This explains so much about everything. (Convert mm to inches here, fellow Americans.)

After years of humans desperately trying to show the Internet what their junk looks like, it apparently has enough data to take a guess at yours. There is a new website, the Penis Analyzer (which also hosts the Vagina, Tits, and Anus Analyzers) from a Japanese developer named Rarapima that can use your name to generate an estimate of what your penis, boobs, vagina or anus looks like, and lets you compare it with up to three friends (or enemies), like we did above with best friends Lady Gaga, Miley Cyrus, Jennifer Lawrence and Rick Santorum.

When you do one at a time, however, it gives you more detailed information:


I wasn't aware assholes had spirals. You learn something every day.


...ouch.

Before you start prepping your apocalypse kits for when SkyNet nukes our genitals, however, let's make this clear: this website does not actually know what your stuff looks like. It's not accessing your naked pictures online or using your phone to create a sonic image of your genitals, like in The Dark Knight. It's accessing "average specs."

I have no idea where they are getting these "specs." I'm fairly certain there aren't extensive databases on the volume and spiral widths of the world's rectums. I also don't think Jennifer Lawrence has a 5.7-inch weiner. Well, I don't know that for sure, but I doubt it. If she did, I bet it would be very charming, though. By the same token, I'm pretty confident that Barack Obama, Ryan Gosling and Hulk Hogan don't have bigger tits than Dolly Parton:


In all fairness, Barack Obama's tits are really satisfying.

Finally, I know you've been wondering what the HappyPlace writers' Internet penises look like. Remember what I said about these not being accurate! And I'm not only saying that because Shira, my female coworker, has an Internet penis that looks like it's about to attack Tokyo, while mine looks it's following hers around like a gay remora fish cleaning a big green shark. And then there's Bob. Sorry, Bob.


The Useless Weiner is a little harsh. "Purple Eeyore" seems to be more accurate.

You, uh, can also enter two names and see how their penis and vagina match up. Naturally, I decided to go screw myself:


Yeah, I mean, I'm pretty good at boning myself, but I could be a lot better.

So, what are you waiting for? Do what you've wanted to do your whole life: whip out your Internet junk in front of the whole office and ask everyone to compare.

(by Johnny McNulty)

Sources: Penis Analyzer, Vagina Analyzer, Tits Analyzer, Anus Analyzer