5. The Supreme Court, for once again making sure blacks and gays never have a good week at the same time. Remember 2008? Hooray, we elected Barack Obama! Oh shit, Proposition 8. Now, fast-forward to 2013: Hooray, we defeated DOMA! Oh shit, the most important legacy of the Civil Rights movement was just gutted, capping off a 40-year campaign to stack the bench with conservatives trained to kill the VRA and eventually Roe v. Wade. Don't think the Roberts Court isn't coming for you next, women. Wendy Davis better get new shoes for whatever they're planning.

 

4. Mike Huckabee, who tried to rain on our gay pride parade this week. In the midst of the celebrating and rejoicing this week, there were of course people who haven't quite caught up to the 21st Century yet. There was Michele Bachmann, who spouted some nonsense, to which we and Nancy Pelosi responded, "Who cares?" And there was Mike Huckabee, who publicly, deliberately misused a Bible quotation to back up his bigoted opinion. For those of you who haven't read your Bible lately, "Jesus wept" is a teeny tiny verse from the Book of John that comes just after the death of Lazarus. It's all about the depth of Jesus' compassion for human beings, something Mikey might try to emulate next time. It's definitely not about legalizing gay marriage, but at this point, we're hardly surprised to see Bible verses taken out of context and used by Mr. Huckabee to support homophobia.

 

3. Alec Baldwin for reminding us that even though we like Alec Baldwin, we also hate Alec Baldwin. After reporter George Stark claimed Baldwin's wife was tweeting during James Gandolfini's funeral, the least-failed Baldwin let loose a homophobic rage-rampage on Twitter, calling Stark a "toxic little queen" and saying he'd shove his foot up his ass, but "you'd probably dig it too much." Alec Fucking Baldwin. Ever since the scandal of his furious voicemails to his daughters died down, we let him pretend that he really was Jack Donaghy, the beloved hyper-productive, competitive and Republican business executive he played on 30 Rock. This delusion eventually went so far that he was mulling running for mayor. Not so much anymore. Now he's back to Team America Alec Baldwin.

 

2. Rick Perry and other men who see a hot piece of ass and want to legislate the shit out of it. After failing to push through a last-minute piece of anti-abortion legislation (which would have effectively closed all but 5 abortion clinics in Texas), Rick Perry has just called for another special session on July 1 where he'll drag the same abortion restrictions up again. The icing on the anti-choice cake was when he made a personal attack on filibusterer (a real word?) Wendy Davis, who has clearly galvanized the masses. Since Wendy was the daughter of a single mother, and a teen mother herself and is now really awesome, Perry thinks she's crazy for thinking women should be allowed to end unwanted and unsafe pregnancies. And yes, some people in the GOP wanted this guy to be president. We'll take the wiretapping.

 

1. God, for creating humidity. Thanks for nothing, Lord. We're guessing if you're the Omnipotent One you never have frizzy hair. Well, we look like Art Garfunkel on a bad day over here. We're using the sweat stains on the backs of our t-shirts to teach our children about symmetry. Air-conditioning doesn't help. It just makes us feel cold and clammy. Then it's back out into the heavy, damp outdoors to warm up, and then back inside to cool off, and then back out again, and pretty soon we look shinier than a new penny. Isn't there some sort of universe fan you can set from "auto" to "on"?